Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I hope everybody out there had a happy holiday for Christmas, I know I did. Mind you I had too work boxing day and we were very busy, what was up with that I had no idea be there you go human beings are strange people, instead of visiting loved ones they are spending their time in front of the computer. I have too work on new years eve and new years day, should be interesting to see how many calls come in on new years day. So I will have a tame night so I won¡¦t be hung over at work. Hard to believe Christmas is over already, but I had a good time all the same. My wife and I got a rush out of watching our son open his gifts. When were wrapping them I told her to give him the game boy last because that is all he will have eyes for and he was in true form to say the least. I made him drag the x box out of the room for me so I could try out his new NASCAR game and steering wheel. I got lots of amusing out of that let me tell you, but for some unknown reason my coordination went down hill as I sipped on a few Budweiser¡¦s what is up with that I wonder ƒº. So this year what is my resolution for the New Year? Not too make any that¡¦s what because we never fulfill them anyway. I just hope I have another good year of happiness with my wife and son, which is not too much to ask in my mind. Must go I just got home from work not to long ago and looking at a computer is making me ill. For all of you out there who got a Hewitt Packard (HP) computer for Christmas, Jesus wept is all I can say. Plus I hope you bought extended warranty because you sure the fuck are gonna need it. Have a good one everybody talk to you all later.



Grandma

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Hey everyone how are you? I had a pretty good weekend all things considered. Went shopping yesterday and the mall was just crazy let me tell you, go figure it is too be expected I guess. I have to do a little bit more today but nothing too serious and the stores I need to visit won’t be crowded anyway. I watched Bruce All Mighty this weekend and I was disappointed to tell you the truth. It was not as funny as I thought it was going to be, a lot of people saw the movie and told me it was really funny but I only chuckled at a few parts. Anybody getting excited about Christmas? I am really looking forward to it. I love watching my wife and son open their presents and seeing the look on their faces when they are surprised. Makes it all worth while somehow or another, hopefully I will get to post again soon; I would say Christmas day for sure. Lately by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is look at a computer after fixing our customer’s computer so bear with me. Go to go and head to work have a good one everybody.


This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.

This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race...

...A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that she start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age with a crew building a house."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot ever bring us the fucking drywall."


Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I usually get asked if I miss home, the home in question is Newfoundland and the answer is a flat no, then I get asked why. Well here is why, when I moved back to Stephenville the last time with my wife (before we were married) we were strapped for cash. There is little to no work over there and good luck getting a job. So some relatives of mine starting telling my wife that I was a loser, lazy did not want too work, that I wanted to be a welfare bum? The last one makes me laugh because I am thinking that is probably how some of them are paying their own bills. Supportive family right? *rolling my eyes here* so the best idea we ever had was to move away, we ended up in Nova Scotia. So how ironic that right now I am the only one in my family working right now, hmm seems I am the LAZY one then I guess. I have called one of my family members and since they did not return my calls or answer the phone for that matter I have deducted they did not want too talk to me so my response? FUCK YOU THEN, don’t say I did not call when you have caller display and you damn well did know I made the attempt. Don’t lie to others and say you talk to me on messenger all the time, when everyone who knows me can tell you I hardly go on line with it. So you see I am the black sheep of my family, and it does not bother me in the least. I am in exile from my family and that is just fine by me. I have a wife and a son and that is my world, and I am a happier man not too have to deal with the craziness of my family. Since my father died I rather doubt I will willingly go back, maybe if someone dies I might but other than that I have nothing to go back for. Anyway enough ranting I got to go and get ready to head to work, talk to you all later have a good one everyone.

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of
one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of
two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard
decision to make, as they were both equally qualified
and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in
the morning whichever one used the water cooler first
would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get
some water to take a couple of aspirins and the
executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never
done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a
terrible headache."

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Well I am back, sorry about the lack of posts last week but we are extremely busy at work and I have little time to write a post let alone check out the usual blogs I normally visit. Even though it is busy at least the time goes by faster, even though it is hard on the brain. How was every one’s weekend? Mine was good, not long enough as per usual. Ever notice that you week drags by but the weekend blow past you in a blink of an eye, not very fair in my mind but what are we to do? I did watch a movie called 28 days later, anybody see it? People get infected with a virus that puts them in a rage and makes them want to kill the people who are not infected. I supposed this could really happen one of these days. How ever I would be not like those two wing nuts who at the beginning of the movie, were walking around with a baseball bat and a machete, I mean get real if you thought you were the only one alive with a bunch of enraged crazy people would you not go and get a gun? Preferably one with a clip that can hold 30 rounds or so, makes sense right? Not in movie land I guess. Anyway got too go and get to work talk to you all later have a good one everyone.

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his
computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter penis.
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

Friday, December 12, 2003

I never got a chance too post this week because we have been rather busy for a change which is not a bad thing I guess. The company I work for has released a new product so we are getting a lot of calls on it; at least it makes the day go by quicker. Plus they do not want us browsing the web at work because it is sucking down our band width, so it kind of puts the damper on things. Not much is going on in my life right now so I have no complaints. Anyone see the show about big foot that was on the other night? I find it amusing that people state they see a 9 or 10 foot creature strolling around and nobody takes them serious. Every body that claims to have seen big foot cannot be lying, what would you can from being called crazy or ridiculed? Not much I don’t think. I think there could be such a creature, god knows there is enough of wilderness that is still untouched for it to live in. although I have often wondered if is truly alive and well why have no one found a dead carcass from one of them because surely they are like the rest of us and cannot live forever. But in the end who the hell knows, they did not think there was life on the bottom of the ocean either. Have a good day everybody talk to you all later.


An Irishman, Englishman & a Newfie were in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar; a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly; the Irishman cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him; smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you"
The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! The arthritis is gone," he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone.
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face.
"Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers' Compensation."


Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Well time to start another week, I was out of synch last week with the snow storm and Super Steve being let go. (He will be sadly missed to say the least) as for my weekend it was pretty good I guess I did not do anything special. I did however watch Ice Age with my son and I must admit I found it very funny which is kind of cool I guess.

Last night I was watching a documentary on the discovery channel about the deep ocean, for example did you know the biggest mountain chain on the planet is under water? Me either and I do believe they said it stretches some 28 thousand miles. The marine biologists were using deep sea submersibles to explore the mysteries of the deep. One thing that floored me was a picture in Gulf of Mexico. It was a lake at the bottom of the ocean, freaky indeed. The shore line was made up of mussels and the water it enclosed ebbed and flowed with a tide and there was even a high tide mark to be seen. The water the mussels enclosed was a different color than the ocean because it was all brine and therefore a higher density than the ocean it’s self. There you have it a lake on the ocean floor. It is hard to describe it to be sure but to see it was mind bending to me. I had to stare at the picture for a couple of minutes for the reality to set in, after I got my mind around what I was seeing I could not help but grin in amusement. Anyway I got to go and head too work talk to you all later have a good one everybody. (No joke today something a bit different I got this in an email and found it amusing.)

INNER SKELETON:
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X- rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a foetus, which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA:
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR:
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, and then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping-pong ball.

BLIND DRUNK:
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH:
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to her man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go

Friday, December 05, 2003

I never got chance to post yesterday but I have an interesting one for you today. I was watching on the news about a man in Germany who is accused of cannibalism. What this guy did was advertise for a victim on the internet and guess what? Someone actually answered which is the strangest thing I ever heard of. So when this person turned up at this guy’s home he gave him some pain killers and cut off a body part and they ate it together now they did not say which part but who knows. They he killed the guy and put him in the refrigerator. The whole thing was video taped as well I might add. Now is this murder, because this is what they are charging him with. The victim pretty much volunteered to be killed so it is a strange case. How did the police find out about all of this, when he posted on the internet for a new victim. It would have been nice if he had eaten some of the annoying people we see on T.V all the time, which would have been too much to ask I guess. Anyway got to go and head to work talk to you all later have a good one everyone.


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

When I went to bed last night there was not a flake of snow on the ground, not the case this morning however. I woke up with a winter wonderland out side paid in spades. Now way we were getting out of the driveway this morning and I knew that the cabs would not be on the road. So I thought to myself what would Jared do? Same thing as I did last year when we had a really bad snow storm, hoof it to work. I got soaked to be sure but I did however get my Tim Horton’s coffee so it was not too bad. The snow in the driveway of our parking lot was up too my waist all the way to the road. The roads themselves were not bad in some places but I would not want to be behind a wheel of a vehicle while trying to drive on them. There are only a handful of hearty souls here at work right now so it should be an interesting day to say the least. I am guessing more people will straggle in later on today if the roads manage to get cleared. So have a good one everybody talk to you all later I got too go and get to work. I got this in my email yesterday iI thought it was amusing, wether it is true or not.


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45
am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from
the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides that
he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory
floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Elmo's
all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric
and
a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the
little
package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Man bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches
the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
each
Elmo "two test tickles."




Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I had a really good time this weekend, on Saturday night I went to my wife’s Christmas party for work. It was a good time to say the least, and I must admit it was nice to get out for awhile since we do not get to do it very often. Kind of hard to do when you have a child so when we do get to go somewhere it makes all the more enjoyable. So a good time was had by all. How was everyone else’s weekend good I hope? This weekend should be amusing as well; our son has his birthday this weekend on Friday to be exact. So on Sunday we will be doing something for him, I am not sure what but my wife will be cooking something for him. Given the choice of going out too eat and my wife cooking, he chose her cooking instead. Which is a good choice in my mind because it will be way better than anything you can buy at a restaurant. So back to work today and I hope this week goes as well as last week. Anyway got to go and get too work talk to you all later have a good one everybody.


An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."




Saturday, November 29, 2003

There is a young lady on my team who is going to school to get a few courses done while she works here. So it turns out she has an assignment to do about how guys have a macho attitude, or as she said machismo. So she hit me and Super Steve up for a couple of questions she has to do for her survey. She wanted a question she could ask to see how brave people are. Super Steve came up with the idea for Russian roulette, like he said nobody in their right mind would want to do this. Maybe if you are stoned or drunk, or fucking crazy as he put it. So I had to come up with a stellar answer for her because Steve popped out one so quickly. On went the thinking cap and this is the first one I came up with.

If you were faced with the situation would you pull the trigger and kill someone in cold blood I asked her. Well now I thought I was on jeopardy or something; am I mad at this person? Am I in danger? Am I being threaten she asked me? No I said would you just kill a person in general if it was a him or you situation. Most people would hesitate and end up getting kill is what I think of the situation. Killing is wrong I know but to be honest we are animals after all so killing is an instinct that we try hard to suppress in every day life.

The other one I cam up with to see how people would re-act is another good one in my mind. If faced with the choice between you and your loved one dieing who would you choose to live? If it was me and my wife I would gladly die to save her. Most people would save themselves because people are afraid of the great unknown that death represents to us. This young lady I am talking about did not even hesitate with her answer either, put it this way I would not want to be in her boyfriend’s shoes in that particular situation. Anyway I am tired and my train of thought is wandering away so I will quit while I am ahead. Have a good weekend everybody talk to you all later.



Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this
hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his
boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your
fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand
and the ditch digger hit the tree, immediately clutching his hand in agaony. The boss said, "That's
intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Friday, November 28, 2003

Well I had yesterday off because it was thanksgiving in the U.S and we did not have to work if we did not want to. So I stayed home and got to sleep in which was nice and plus it breaks up the week a bit better. Anyway I was bored so I started playing a computer game Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2 , I usually play skirmish mode against two or three computer opponents but I got sick of beating them on all levels of difficulties. So I started playing the campaign, there is some thing to be said when playing a game on default level and you are hanging on by the skin of you teeth the whole time. Makes for a good strategy game, but I notice when playing all these type of games you always start of at a disadvantage because the computer is always three steps ahead of you. But then again maybe that is why we feel a sense of accomplishment when we beat the snot out of the computer. I think after I finish with the allies campaign I will give the soviet campaign a whirl and see how that goes. See this is why I have a computer at home so I can play video games, most people use it for email or surfing the web but not me, I guess I still have that twelve year old kid in me who used to pump quarters into the arcade games lurking around deep inside. Anyway enough of babbling I guess talk to you all later have a good day everyone.

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom
all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the
bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling
for his bottom, so I can kick him."

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Well guess what everybody someone has finally woken up and figured out an important fact in our lives. All you Americans out there who get a bunch of AOL Cd's in the mail take heed. Sanyo Electric Company has heard the call and has taken up arms in the fact they will be producing biodegradable disks made from, guess? Corn! I kid you not; it would take 85 kernels of corn to make a 12cm disk that will break down into carbon dioxide and water after 50 to 100 years. Yes a long time but at least it will degrade which is more than we can say about our current disks. I bet they will put a warning label on that one though because I can just see some fool trying to butter on the damn thing and trying to eat it. Anyway I got to go and get too work talk to you all later, have a good one everyone.


The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a
male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total
silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

All things considered I have a half decent weekend. We have a house guest for the weekend which puts a damper on things in my mind. It is not the same when you have a guest because you don’t feel comfortable in doing the normal every day things because you are watched all the time. Other than that in got too watch some good movies though which killed the time, all though it was no easy task because the said person was a loud talker. Why this person needed a phone is beyond my comprehension, I swear they thought they were on a ship to shore radio or something, better yet open the window and stick your head out they will hear you. So imagine trying to watch a movie like that? No easy task. Needless to say I did not shed any tears when that person left on Monday. Neither did my wife for that matter, as she said nice to have our house back which was my sediments exactly. Anyway got too go and get to work I guess talk to you all later have a good one everybody. I had this joke emailed to me the other day so I saved it for my post today I thought it was funny.



A true Player

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said yes I did.

She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said O.K. She said come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.

Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."


Friday, November 21, 2003

Ah well not much to write about today except they are really some stupid people out there. Come on face the facts I know it and you know it, I came across a site on the net about dumb warning on the internet and I will show you some of them. The really truly scary part is they must have put silly warnings on products because somebody got hurt or injured and tried to sue a company for being a moron.

Liquid Plummer Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages

Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Hair Coloring Caution: Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Swedish Chainsaw Warning: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

Various Computers Warning: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Rowenta Iron Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

There you go how is that for lame, especially since some one some where had to try this stupid shit in the first place. Well got to go and get too work talk to you all later.


Subject: It's not the size.
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why
the head
on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost
over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason
the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man
with more pleasure
during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their
own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
US study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an
excess of
$250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger
than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided
to conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the US or German
studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost
of right around $75.00, the Polish study reached a conclusion. The Polish
study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is
larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting
you
in the forehead.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

I see Michael Jackson is catapulted back into the news. Seems he is being accused of molesting a child again. Well I don’t know if he did it or not, but who knows he looks like a person bit off center of balance to me. He got accused before and settled out of court and now here he is on the chopping block again. Now if I was a parent and he was accused and settled out of court in my mind that would be guilty because if I was accused and I was innocent I would fight tooth and nail to clear myself. Mind you would have the stigma of being a child molester following you around but at least you could look yourself in the mirror. So here is a man who confesses to sleep in the same bed with young children. Would you let your kids do this? I don’t care if he is a celebrity or not what the fuck were you people thinking? I bet they did it so something would happen so they could do a major cash grab and sue him. Poor little Johnny or Susie is scarred for life, oh well let’s get rich! Gotta love it hunh? So even if he was found guilty how much do you bet he would not do hard time, I bet the jail or prison he would end up in would be more of a country club. If he is guilty I would like to see him to go a ”REAL” prison like San Quentin where he would get passed around like the communal offering to see how he likes being exploited, that is if he is guilty. If he is not guilty, well then how about stop sending your kids over there giving fuel to more controversy. I mean really how about hanging out with people your own age. Anyway got to go and get too work, talk to you all later everyone have a good one.

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them
mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male
masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so
on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang
terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage,
there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."



Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Can someone tell me what the big deal about Jessica Lynch is? Sure she was a soldier; sure she was captured and interrogated. But so was a lot of other soldiers, I have seen articles on the web were she said she was slapped and stabbed and so on and so forth. Ever read Bravo Two Zero ? it is a story about the British SAS ( Special Air Service) which is a special forces patrol that became compromised behind enemy lines in Iraq and a couple of them were captured. Now those gentlemen were seriously beaten and tortured for an extended period of time.

The point being is how is this girl all of a sudden “America’s Sweet heart” or “America’s Hero”? Personally I think it is because she is young and relatively good looking. The fact she is not butt ugly probably helps her popularity some what. Dare is say it? Yes I will the last reason is I think is because she is white, there now is out there. I have seen other women soldiers who were captured but nobody is making a big deal about them either. Is it because they are black? If so I think it is a shame to the highest degree, and an outrage. Anyone who have been captured and made it back should be all treated in the same high standard. They all have done the same sacrifice and paid the same dues in being captured. So why is the spot light shinning on her then? Probably because they can use her as a poster child for white Middle America, considering a bulk of the United States are from an ethnic background this is very unusual. African Americans, Hispanic, Asians, Middle Eastern people, Native Americans and even more groups of people make up a huge population in the states. I think they are all getting a raw deal from this to say the least. Anybody else out there ever think about things like this? I do I do not know why it bothers me but it does. Mostly because I do not treat anybody different because of the color of their skin but as sad as it is in this day in age there are people that do. Fifty years from now I wonder if there will be any change. Hopefully it will as it is time for people to smarten up and get with the program. That is my two cents for today I guess, I find it amusing people are auctioning off things with Jessica Lynch on it, for example $5 for a refrigerator magnet? Jesus wept let me tell you, got to go and get too work I guess talk to you all later. Have a good one every body.

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the
football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run
smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a
shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred
yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a
football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few
seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can
probably pass it."





Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Another week has begun. I did not do much this weekend but I did go and fix two computers yesterday (one of them had the KLEZ virus for example) at my wife’s work place. I guess her boss felt a bit guilty about getting me out there yet again on my day off so he paid me $50 which I did not expect in the least but it was nice to feel appreciated. Had another bout of insomnia last night, I hate it when that happens. Alternating staring at the ceiling and the clock while you twist and turn, when sleep almost has you in its grasp you cough or your shoulder cramps from lying on your side too long. Then the clock goes off in the morning and you feel like a turtle trying to hide in your shell hoping if you burrow under the blankets the screeching sound will stop then you think malicious thoughts about the fate of your alarm clock. So then you are resigned to get up seeing the damned thing won’t stop anyway and stumble through the morning hoping your brain will clear the cobwebs away with the help of some coffee. That is how my morning is going so far, have a good one everyone talk to you all later.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How
much for a season pass?"

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Last night I started to read the Long Hard Road Out Of Hell which is the autobiography of Marilyn Manson. To say it is interesting is an understatement to say the least. Seems he had a very weird child hood and a lot of what he talks about I can relate too. Especially the parts about going to a Catholic School and having to adhere to the dress code and chafing at all the stupid rules they have. Been there done that and have the t-shirt, mind you it is not a long book and the print is big so I expect I will have it read by Sunday at the latest. Not tonight though I have other plans *grin*. The other book I have is about biker gangs and about a guy who was supposed to be a hit man for the Hell’s Angels. Which is going to be a good read as well, I have read about 4 books about them so far and it never fails to be a page turner. So I am looking forward to reading this one, it was yanked off the book shelves in Atlantic Canada because there were names of people going to testify and have not gone to trial yet. So my wife spotted the book when she was up in Alberta and got it for me. Anyway enough of babbling I guess I will talk to you all later have a good one everyone.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses.

One morning she started the school day by
saying to her class, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Elwood stood up.

The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid,
Little Elwood?"

Elwood replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see
you standing there all by yourself!"

Friday, November 14, 2003

Today is Friday which is a bonus because my wife well be home today * insert mischievous grin here* and I get to go to training all day. That is another bonus because I don’t have to take any calls for eight hours. Mind you I know the training on our new product is going to be boring because I have already seen it and used it anything that gets me off the phone is a good thing. Yesterday was not a bad day all things considered I guess In the way of calls. One call does stick out in my mind. A woman I was talking to in New York was acting very distracted while I was on the phone. So I asked her what is wrong. She told me it was very windy there last night then she went silent and said WHAT THE HELL?” so I asked what? She told me there was someone out side her window, so I said it may be the wind moving trees and bushes around. She agreed and kept looking, and then she said no there is someone there. Now I can tell a person’s mood as soon as I start talking to them. For example if you are mad or snotty on the phone I will have you calmed down and laughing at the end of the call. Well she was scared and I could hear it in her voice. When she told me she had to go I told her to hang up and call 911 right away. Better safe than sorry I figure, even if the cops came and it was only trees or bushes what ever have you moving around all you would feel is foolish and relieved. But if there was someone there trying to take advantage of the bad weather to prey on others……

Some times yes I do wish I could get my hands on some of my callers, and yes I would probably do them bodily harm. But when it comes to some thing like that I find it creepy to say the least especially when it comes to a woman home alone because I can think of my wife in the same situation. So I hope she is okay and every thing is well I am going to check when I get to work after to see if she called back. Hopefully she did. Anyway I got to go and get ready to head to work, I don’t have to be there until eleven this morning which is a far cry from my usual nine thirty. So have a good day everybody talk to you all later.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out
with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and
agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university
several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire
departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their
dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very
exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a
body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a
huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like
that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could
to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that
exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."


















Thursday, November 13, 2003

Why is it some days go faster then others I wonder? Here I am at work and there are days when time goes by in a blink of an eye and other times it draws out like a never ending piece of string unraveling from the fabric of time.

TICK

I wait for a call browse the internet for awhile to kill some time, I take a couple of calls knowing that sometimes they are long.

TOCK

I glance at my clock on the computer screen and the numbers there taunt me. FIFTEEN minutes has passed. FUCK! Is this day ever going to end I wonder.

Ever have a day like that? Yesterday was the same thing when I got home. It always seemed later than it actually was. My son commented on the same thing, so I was not the only one that felt time was moving slow. I sure am looking forward to this weekend, my wife will be back on Friday and I am looking forward to some QUALITY time with her. So today is Thursday and it will not go by quick enough for me. So have a good one everyone talk to you all later.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to
be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. She asked
the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Yesterday I was watching TV and I ended up watching Seinfeld, it was one of the shows I had never seen before. It was the one where jerry was dating a woman who did not laugh but her room mate found him hilarious so he was attracted to her instead. So jerry and George were plotting how to switch from one roommate to another. So George came up with the idea of a manage a tois so she would get mad a clear the way for Jerry. Well she was into the idea and when jerry told George he was not going to do it, George freaked out. All in all I laughed my ass of at it, too bad there are not more sitcoms on TV that make me laugh as much as that show does.

I cannot wait until Friday because my wife left on Sunday to go too Calgary to visit her sister. So my son and I are doing the bachelor thing which is alright I guess but it boring with nobody to talk too when he goes to bed. It is strange how much difference there is in the house with a woman around. Plus my bed feels empty with out her and I toss and turn all night. Alas I am domesticated I would imagine maybe that is why I feel lonely without her. Anyway I got to go and get too work talk to you all later have, a good one everyone.


John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits...
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their
wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says, "I have some bad
news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer." Mary goes to sleep, and
wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices
Johnny wide away staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my
eyes!"

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Beginning of another week, work is definitely over rated to say the least. It certainly would be nice to win the lottery I would guess but alas I would probably get struck by lighting before that would happen. It is Remembrance Day so thanks to all the people who have served to make the world a better place to live in. the last couple of days I have not done too much except playing the XBOX. In particular I was playing Sega GT 2002 which is a racing game. I started playing last Christmas when we got the game but the novelty wore off, so picked it back up and finally finished it. No was no easy task to be sure because to have to get a license after each stage and you have a bare bone car and a time limit royal pain in the ass. Well I did a long post yesterday so I will keep this one short have a good one everyone talk to you all later.

At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest
whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid,
"Why
do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"

The kid said, "One day, my teacher was writing on the board,
the chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick
up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."

Monday, November 10, 2003

The other day my mind started to do a wandering trip down memory lane and I started to think about when I was young. For all of you people over the age of 25 it is a wonder we survived childhood. For example we did not wear helmets when riding a bike, and if you wore one you were considered a pussy and shunned by others and possible beaten up. I had one of those bikes if you can remember them; it was a motor cross bike. It looked sort of like a motorbike really had a tank, shocks and all that good stuff. Besides the fact it was a heavy son of a bitch so maybe that is why I was in so good shape when I was a young grass hopper. Imagine pedaling that thing up a hill. So I got that bike and I used to do jumps on in, using home made ramps. I vividly remember landing on the front wheel a couple of times and luckily gravity bought the rear wheel down before I did a face plant in the dirt. Same goes when I got a 10 speed bike and it was raining, the back brakes got wet and did not work and as I was going down a dirt road I had to put on the front ones so I could stop and guess where I went? Yup did my best superman right over the front wheel. Mind you I got a couple of bumps and bruises but nothing too bad bit it sure could have, toughened me up as we used too say.

As I live in Canada we have long winters up here, not like it is a choice I guess. Any how I remember as kids we used to go out on any ice that was available and play hockey. How did we test the ice? The biggest kid or the heaviest kid went out on the ice and jumped up and down in multiple spots, if he did not fall through and drown the ice was deemed safe by the rest of us. So then we proceeded out to play and try to kill each other on the ice, funny how we DID wear helmets but no other protective gear. So I came to the conclusion that we must have turned out sort of normal with little or no brain damage *grin*, well that point is debatable I guess. We used to throw lawn darts straight up in the air and run to avoid them. They were dammed dangerous things to be sure imagine getting one of them imbedded in your skull back then? You would ended up being a drooling vegetable who would probably be wearing adult diapers for the rest of you life and ride the BLUE school bus too school. Anyway must go I guess bended your ears long enough have a good one everyone talk to you all later.

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up
today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south
and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
That night
over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a
beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched
deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks.
I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon.
Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move,

So, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than

mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,

"I couldn't find her head."




Saturday, November 08, 2003

In my job I get all kinds of call from every different kind of people you can think of or maybe some you wish would not call. Two days ago I was talking to a woman who lived in Virginia, now I know I make people comfortable on the phone so she was no exception. She ended up telling me she likes to sun bathe nude in her back yard by her swimming pool. Why I needed to know this for tech support I do not know but it was funny all the same.

Yesterday I was talking to a guy who used to be a 500 pound biker who spent most of his life drinking and doing drugs. So he went back to 180 pounds and cleaned his act up, he also told me he was in the biker gang called the Grim Reapers. But that is not the kicker he was telling me about a porn movie he downloaded where a man inserted his head up to his neck in a woman’s vagina. Now why he told me this one I have absolutely no idea but I must confess I laughed my ass of when he told me that. Then he asked if I wanted to know where to go and download it. I politely refused because why would a man want to do that in the first place and I really did not want to see it. Would any of you want to see that? Can you just say eww? Anyway I got to go and get on the phone have a good weekend everyone talk to you all later.


A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every
time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


Friday, November 07, 2003

I am really glad I am not a soldier in Iraq right about now; they are getting killed over there hand over fist. I was watching the news today and yet another helicopter crashed and another soldier was killed when a convoy was caught in an ambush. So the life expectancy cannot be very high, being in a hostile environment is stressful enough with out wondering if you are going to be the next one to die. A lot of those young lads will come home very combat weary. I would dear say some will suffer from post traumatic stress disorder after seeing some of the shit they have seen. I almost went back in the military just before I started working here; I had just finished doing my medical test and had to do my physical test which is easy. So by now I would probably be over in Afghanistan pulling peace keeping duty. My wife is very relieved that I never went back in but some times I miss the life. Then I remember all those mornings waking up before dawn in a trench covered in mud and a couple days of grime, after being awake for countless hours and I wonder if I am a mental case for missing that? Who knows maybe I am but that kind of life grows on you I guess. Anyway must go and get to work I guess have a good one everyone talk to you all later.



I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see
from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed.
As I looked for myself,
I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the
police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this
time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police
back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them
all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Hard to figure out how to dress when coming to work lately, about two weeks ago you could come to work in a t-shirt and two days ago you needed a winter jacket on. Today is nice going to be a bout eleven degrees which is a big switch from the day before, yup real flu weather.

About two days ago my son asked me if I saw the big bee on the window, seeing how I just got up I grunted no and left it at that. When I was more coherent I had a look my self, well it was not a bee but a wasp and a damn big one at that. He is still there stuck to our screen as he did when he landed I guess. Dead as a door nail, he has no visible damage so I expect the cold must have killed him and he never got a chance to get back to his hive. He is in good condition, and if there was a way to get him I would but alas there is not. I cannot open the screen and we are on the second floor so if I flicked him off he would be lost in the grass. My wife wanted me to knock him off the screen yesterday but I said no, leave him there and I will now call him Herman. In all honesty I am waiting to see how long he will last before he either falls off; blows away or a bird eats him. The cool thing is when you go over and look at him through the window you can see his eyes very evil looking to say the least. Anyway must go and get ready to get on the phone have a good one everyone, boring story I know but maybe I will have something better tomorrow. Talk to you all later.

I got this story in an email and firgured I would post it because I laughed my ass off when I read it.

Best Comeback Line Ever


This was the title of an article in the Calgary Sun.


In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. "

Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ...

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"


Wednesday, November 05, 2003

I was watching T.V this morning while I was sipping on my cup of Joe, they had a piece on CNN about cigarette lighters in cars and how automobile companies and put up to five in cars and trucks. Why you maybe asking? Well for such things as cell phones but what blew my mind is this. Some companies are selling curling irons, coffee pots, and frying pans so they can be used in cars. Now why is it I can see someone driving down the road on a freeway or highway some where trying to curl their hair? I mean isn’t there enough accidents with people talking on cell phones so the idea of someone making coffee or using a frying pan to cook their breakfast for example is just scary. Ports for DVD players in the back of a van for kids I can understand but you have to draw the line somewhere I am sure.

Here is the kicker, there is a company in the U.S that sells ADULT toys that can be plugged into a cigarette lighter. Is there really a market for this? I would not to be pulled over by a cop car with a vibrating vagina plugged in. can you just imagine? Anybody else find this idea a tad bit strange? Anyway must go and get on the phone talk to you all later, have a good one everybody.

Two guys had grown up together since they were young. As fate would have it, one guy grew up
being a total ladies' man, and the other guy became a total nerd. One summer day the nerd could
stand it no longer. He asked his friend how he picked up all the chicks. His friend answered, "Just
put a potato down your pants and parade up and down the beach, they'll just run to you."

So the geek said, "Okay! I'll give it a try!"

So the next day he put a potato in his pants and went down to a crowded beach loaded with
chicks in bikinis. He saw his friend surrounded by girls as usual, but none came to him. All he got
was a few weird stares from older men. Dismayed, he went home.

The next day he went to his friend's house and told him his dramatic story. His friend shook his
head and said, "Buddy, you were supposed to put the potato in the front!"

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Ah a new week for me has begun; I had yet another three day weekend. I did not do mush as per usual. I did watch two movies however, bowling for columbine and the Italian job. Anybody out there see any of these two movies?

Bowling for columbine was excellent to say the least, I like watching certain documentaries and this one was no different. I think Michael Moore did a good job on this project and it was interest how Canada has a huge amount of gun in our country some where in the neighborhood of 10 million but has only a few gun related deaths as opposed to the U.S. it is strange how two countries can be so close in proximity and yet be so different culturally.

If you get a chance you should see the Italian job as well, it was a good movie as well but did not leave a lasting impression on me as the latter. Have a good one very one talk to you all later.


A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment "Rent for Apartment". On the way to the office, he regretted
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night,
however,
I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any
heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the
following reply:
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

Friday, October 31, 2003

Halloween is upon us and the little buggers will be knocking on our doors before we know it. I have some fond memories of Halloween from when I was younger and it would be nice if we could capture some of that magic now that we are older but alas it is like a piece of silver that tarnishes as it ages. Sad isn’t it? I think it is but what is one to do? Well maybe today will be a slow day and people will not call in, that is a bit much to hope for considering people will call in here on Christmas day. That surprises me to be sure but then again a lot of people are alone on Christmas which is a very sad thing. Anyway must go and get ready to hop on the phone have a good and safe Halloween everyone, talk to you all later have a good one.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note"
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg,you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says"

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
|wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses.
Pour the molasses over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.


Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co






Thursday, October 30, 2003

I tell you what I just feel so horribly bad for the rapper Nelly who had a million dollars worth of jewelry stolen from his hotel room. What a shame don’t you think? Here we all are trying makes ends meet, trying to stay out of debt and this guy is wandering around with a $1 millions dollars worth of jewelry. The sad part is he probably has more than that not counting his bank account. Sorry Nelly I will go and light a candle and pray for you. Yeah right! He will most likely get mad loot from the insurance company and then turn around and sue the hotel. That would not surprise me in the least. Anyway must go and get to work, talk to you all later have a good one everyone.


One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water....
while walking past his parents he was forced to stop
and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to
mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your
brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he
found Johnny crying on the stoop ....he asked Johnny
what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this
morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new
brother

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I saw a little blurb on the news about Pamela Anderson speaking out about unfair treatment of chickens by Kentucky fried chicken. Hmm and fast food company killing chickens for mass production for consumers and your point being? She was babbling on about the treatment of such animals and how they are de-feathered for example, the point she was getting too was about the inhumane way they were being treated. In-humane indeed considering they are not human and they are going to end up in a three piece meal some where in the world. Pamela Anderson of all people I mean COME ON! the credibility factor took a nose dive on that one. We all know she was now imbued with a bucket full of brains and after seeing pictures of her and Tommy Lee plastered up all over the internet and getting spammed with fucking email about it give it a rest your 15 seconds in the spot life has come and gone. Shut up and go away so we can forget about you. If PETA really wants to make a big deal about this get a classy spokesperson about the issue for Christ’s sake. Not somebody we like with the I.Q of a bag of hair and silicon implants to cushion the fall with. At the very least get someone like Linda Blair to speak about it, someone who can put sentences together in a string and no come off sounding like an air head. That is my two cents for today talk to you all later, have a good one every one.




One day a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door. Little Johnny
answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was home.

Little Johnny said "No, she is at the whore house."

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy
replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and
Fridays during the rush."

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."

The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking
on doors telling folks."

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Hey I am back to work today after three days off and I feel great, I feel refreshed as it were. Mid you I did not do anything exciting at all but that is besides the point. I did however buy two movies U-571 and Blood In And Blood Out.

U-571 I liked the movie when I first seen it so it was a no brainer to buy. Has anyone seen the other movie? It was an older one but I liked it. Hard to describe it you would have to see if for yourself. So I am going to keep this short since I have writers block this morning. Have a good day every one talk too you all later.


A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns
to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth
for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up
on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed
his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give
it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".






Monday, October 27, 2003

Not much too write about life has been pretty tame this weekend. The NASCAR race was rained out yesterday so I watched it today so I could let my wife know who won. Watching racing is starting too rub off on me I guess because I don’t mind watching it at all anymore and I am getting pretty good at matching up cars with their owners. Anyway must go I guess have a good one every one talk to you later.

A drunk is standing, peeing into a fountain in the middle of town,
so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!"
The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As
the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.

"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.

"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."

Friday, October 24, 2003

Good morning, I was reading the CNN web page and I saw a headline that caught my attention “video game caused death?”. It turn out two teenage boys mimicked Grand Theft Auto 3 which is a video game for x-box, Play Station, computer and so on. Now I have the same game and you don’t see me out killing people do you? No. so the 14 and 16 year old took turns trying to hit the sides of vehicles from a hill top over looking the highway. In the usual fashion the parents are suing the developers of the game, for the grand tune of $200 million in punitive damages and $46 million in actual damages. Take Two (game developers) said they would seek to dismiss the suit and further stated….

"The Company believes that the claims against it are without merit and are similar to lawsuits brought and uniformly dismissed by courts in other jurisdictions where the plaintiffs' sought to hold entertainment companies responsible for the violent behavior of individuals who used those company's products," Take-Two said in a statement.


Well guess what those teenagers were old enough to know better anyways, every one will lay the blame the games, movies and even music. But what I am wondering is how they got the game in the first place? Who bought it for them hmmm I would say the parents, they should also share the blame because do we or do we not teach our kids right from wrong? As well whose rifle had they used? I mean a teenager can’t just walk in a buy a rifle either. Then turn around and sue a game company for a ridicules amount of money? Get real and look in the mirror you kids fucked up. After a certain age if you bought them up with any guidance your job is done and they have to make decisions on their own. Bull shit like that makes me sick; I would like to know how they came up with the dollar amount for that suit. Now way did they do $ million in actual damages. Yes one person died and another was wounded but stop being insane. Anyway must get ready to go to work talk to you all later have a good one everyone.


Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework.
He said to himself, "two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine".

In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
"Leroy, what are you doing?!
Why are you saying that?"

Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom".

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

He replied, "Yes"

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is
receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher.

The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are
teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."

Little Leroy's mother asked, "And are you teaching
them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied,
"Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Bow Flex




Never fails every time I am watching TV a bow flex commercial comes on. A man and woman who are in excellent physical shape and who must work out a lot and probably have personal trainers try too pimp out bow flex. I am not enthralled with this product to say the least, I mean when they do not post the price for one is a turn off. Then you here with payments lower than most health club dues does not bode well with me at all. Adds up to something you can bet the bottom dollar is expensive as hell and is going to end up being a big dust collector after the novelty wears off it. If you want to get in shape well then do not eat at Mc Donald’s twice a day, or better yet get off your ass and go and do some walking and save yourself a bundle of money to boot. Besides if I was going to work out I would use free weights anyway because you can get the correct range of muscle movement and opposed to a restricted machine that BENDS of all things which to me is a recipe of disaster right then and there. But that is my two cents worth I guess most go and get ready to go to work talk to you all later have a good one.


P.S. I was just wondering what does every body think of the two pictures I have on the side bar of my page? Just curious is all, the top one I just love for some reason, the bottom one struck my fancy as well when I first seen it. Just wondering what your opinions are.


A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

So all day yesterday when I tried to lad up my web site all that would show up was the background color. It was a piss off to say the least because I had no idea how to fix it. So when I came home yesterday my friend Steve dropped up shortly after and he as usual taught me how to play some riffs on the guitar. He had been at me for a couple of months to change my template so I let me loose on my site. The end result is what you see right now, he built the whole thing in about two hours. I must say I like it, so how about all of you? I know two people had commented on it last night and said they liked it. So in true fashion with not much to say I will shut up because it is too early to massage the old grey matter awake right now. So I am off to get ready for work have a good one everyone.


A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten
years her husband insisted on making love in the dark.
No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making
love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me.
Explain yourself immediately!!"
The husband says "Okay, I'll explain.
But first you explain the kids."

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Well I am back after three days off, ever notice the trend on my site? I rarely post anything on my days off. Mostly because I am interested in spending quality time with my family. So I did not do anything exciting of note on the weekend, I did finally get a chance to watch the new matrix movie and I loved it. I cannot wait for the next one to see how the story ends. Steve was right the free way scene blew my mind, the special effects and action sequence was a feast for the eyes to say the least.

At work we had to move yet again basically we go from the front of the build to the back and rinse and repeat. So I had to run around setting up my computer this morning and go back to my old one and forward all the documents and wallpapers to myself along with my favourites for internet explorer. What a pain it would be easier to move the whole tower like a supervisor gets to do. Yet again I got to get IT department to come and install office on my computer yet again, every time they ghost the machines or I move to a new computer I have to get this done. Must be something wrong with my log in or profile I guess. Anyway since I don’t have too much too say I must go I guess have a good one every one.


A government employee sat in his office, and out of
boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing
cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across
an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he
said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual,
granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his
Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he
states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with
beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing
him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I
wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back
in his government office.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Not suitable for some readers rated pg-13


Well I am donning my white lab coat and whipping out my microscope and examining some interesting specimens here. The specimens in question are a bunch of women I work with. They are very interesting people to be sitting in ear shot distance from and I compare them to diplomatic relations. With out further adieu here we go.

Specimens a -- she is a young lady in her early twenties; she has the closed border policy! Meaning no one gets in or out alive. I will not name names here. So she has no interest in sex and says that women do not get any enjoyment out of it what so ever. I told her she was doing it wrong and that her boyfriend should treat her like a postage stamp. What are you talking about she asked me. I said he has to lick it before he sticks it. Needless to say she turned so red I thought her head was about to explode. All the same she said she has no desire to have sex what so ever, how strange.

specimen b-- another young lady who is more of a dictator; she is the one who wears the proverbial pants in that relationship. She does not like having sex and has remarked that if I give him some he will want it all the time. This is bad because? Who knows but she does not want to do it either. Disturbing trend going on here I am thinking.

specimen c---another young lady but she is in her later twenties so she has been around the block longer. She is more of a neutral territory meaning sometimes she will but most of the time she does not. She once remarked to me that she had to tell her ex-boyfriend to stop during their ”relations” oh my god I would just die if that was me, yes I can see a woman asking you to stop because she is getting sore. But to be that bad she is asking you to stop? I would go and join a monastery I think.

specimen d--- this is another young lady in her early twenties she is more of a friendly nation meaning she actually likes to have sex. When the person above said women do not get any enjoyment out of sex, she spoke up and said I beg to differ! When I started grinning like a Cheshire cat because I was thinking holy shit some one that is normal and will admit it. Or at least the guys she goes out with know what to do with their equipment.

So there you go how is that for strange? I figure the guys who are dating some of these girls are reading the wrong manual or something. The very least are not allowed to practice to become proficient at sex. I have stated before and I will say it again. Thank god I am married and do not have to deal with this kind of thing. Anyway must go and get too work talk to you all later, have a good one.

A Newfie was hired on in a warehouse in Toronto. On his first day on the job, a Caper approached him. "Hi Newf" the Caper said, want me to show you how to get the day off?
The Newf was all ears. "Sure" he said.
With that, the Caper pushed a ladder against the wall and climbed to the top, grabbed a rafter, shimmied to the middle of the room and hung there till the foreman came along.
The foreman spotted the guy hanging from the ceiling and asked what he was doing. The Caper replied, "hey I'm a light bulb, you need me".
The foreman shook his head and shouted. "Come down from there and go home for the day". "Get a good rest and come back tomorrow".
The Caper climbed down and headed for the door. The Newfie followed behind him.
"Hey" the foreman shouted, "Where do you think you're going Newf?"
The Newf replied, "I ain't workin in the dark".








Thursday, October 16, 2003

Another day at work, today is a long day I am not off until 8 tonight but could be worse could have no job I guess. Looking forward to this weekend, mind you I am not going to be doing much but it is nice to be off all the same. Not much going on in my world today so I have nothing to write about really except…..

I saw a commercial last night for a children’s clothes line I think, it was called ATTICA KIDS that does not conjure up visions of care free youth in my mind. It brings up images of harden criminals shanking each other and gang rapes in the shower, anything but children clothes. Anyway that is two cents must go and get ready to get too work. Have a good one everyone talks to you later.


So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit, my car was parked around the corner...



Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Well another day is here man this year is going by fast seems like just yesterday I got married and now Christmas is skulking around the corner. Where does the time go I wonder? The shame is that I am wishing my life away really because when I get too work on Tuesday I am wishing it was Saturday so I can have my two days off.

It gets dark now around 7:00 pm in Atlantic Time and it a foreboding that winter will soon come galloping over the horizon. I hope it is a good one for a chance with little snow not like last year when I was sick of seeing the damn stuff. Good for skiers and people with snow mobiles I guess but I wish out winters were like fall, not too hot not too cold and no snow. The novelty of snow wears off when you get older I find, when I was a kid I loved snow storms because o got a day of school, now I curse the snow because I know I got too shovel the car out and trudge too work in the snow because the local taxis are not on the road. Like last year when we had a major snow storm I braved the roads and came to work at the time wishing I had a dog sled or something. So I got to work and the normal 20 minute walk took almost an hour because of the conditions, when I got here there were about six on seven on us here too answer the phones. Anyway must go and get ready too get on the phones talk to you all late have a good one.


Virus Warning

There is a new virus with a code name of "work." If you receive "work" from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anyone else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus follow these steps:

1. Put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

2. Order three drinks and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Every one had a good weekend? Mine was okay watched two movies 2 fast 2 furious and dream catcher. I liked them both and did not have any complaints about either one of them. So all in all it was a good weekend except.

I went grocery shopping on Saturday with my wife, now I hate grocery shopping and it is on list of least favourite things to do. I mean you go in there for an hour or so come out $200 dollars lighter and once it is home packed away you get fuck all for your money. Plus that music they play while your in the store always crap that makes you want to leave which is why they play it anyways to get people to hurry up and get out. All part of the grand strategy I guess but it is effective. One thing that makes me mad is two people one coming up the aisle on one going down and what do they do? Stand up and talk thus blocking the aisle. My wife will say excuse me please so they will move, sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t, she does that because she knows what I am going to do. Ram the person that is standing in front of we in the back with the cart. Makes me feel better, I get a hard look usually that I return coldly because I don’t care. You want too talk go somewhere else. Yes I embarrass my wife sometimes I know but that kind of shit pisses me off. Like for example the line at the check out was long, because only three cash registers are open out of ten. So I see this old guy easing his way up subtly trying to get ahead of us, my wife was off getting a last minute item seeing we had lots of time. So finally this guy makes his move and was stopped short by a voice saying ”where the fuck do you think you are going?” yes it was me that said it and yes he looked at me like I had two heads. The line is there get back in it and stop cutting I added, he turned red sure but who cares. Don’t think because you are older you get too get away with shit like that. Anyway must get ready to go too work talk to you all alter, hope every one had a good weekend.


A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Today is my Friday so I am looking forward to my two days off and just relaxing and doing nothing. I was watching CNN this morning and they were doing a documentary on Antarctica. Pretty interesting I must say, it showed the living conditions down there and what it was like to trek across the glaciers and the dangers of falling in some of the crevasses. What early explorers must have gone through must have been hell. They also showed an ice berg that broke off that was the size of Massachusetts how’s that for massive hunh? Had to believe some that big floating around the ocean. They mentioned that if it was made into ice that every one in the world or North America, one or the other I cannot remember, would be able to get a back of ice every day for 70 years or so. That is a lot of ice to be sure. Anyway it is too early in the morning to write anything more interesting must go and answer some calls talk to you all later, have a good weekend every one.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.








Friday, October 10, 2003

Last night I watched survivor and it got me thinking, what would happen to a real bunch of men and women dropped off on a tropical island? If there were no cameras watching every move and no million dollars as a high stake how would they react to the situation? I pondered that thought and wondered if it would be a re-creation of the lord of the flies. Would all the more “popular” people gel together and alienate the “un-popular” people and make life unbearable for them? I think they would for some reason, I mean remember when we were kids on the school play ground, remember the bullies and the popular kids. Social interaction at its infancy, but the same rules carry over to when we get older. Almost like the have and the have nots really when you come right down and think of it. I mean I was not from a dirt poor family but I did not have the money to spend on all the cool clothes and good old mommy and daddy could not afford to buy me a cool car. So I was in the burn out classification because I partied a lot. Did not have money for all the designer clothes but I could afford booze though :).

So if say 12 people were stranded on an island I figured if someone was to swing by that island say 6 months later I am guessing around six or seven people would be left alive. Because they would either kill each other or let the loser starve. But this is my opinion what do I really know right? Anyway must go and get too work talk to you all later.



A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."