Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I hope everybody out there had a happy holiday for Christmas, I know I did. Mind you I had too work boxing day and we were very busy, what was up with that I had no idea be there you go human beings are strange people, instead of visiting loved ones they are spending their time in front of the computer. I have too work on new years eve and new years day, should be interesting to see how many calls come in on new years day. So I will have a tame night so I won¡¦t be hung over at work. Hard to believe Christmas is over already, but I had a good time all the same. My wife and I got a rush out of watching our son open his gifts. When were wrapping them I told her to give him the game boy last because that is all he will have eyes for and he was in true form to say the least. I made him drag the x box out of the room for me so I could try out his new NASCAR game and steering wheel. I got lots of amusing out of that let me tell you, but for some unknown reason my coordination went down hill as I sipped on a few Budweiser¡¦s what is up with that I wonder ƒº. So this year what is my resolution for the New Year? Not too make any that¡¦s what because we never fulfill them anyway. I just hope I have another good year of happiness with my wife and son, which is not too much to ask in my mind. Must go I just got home from work not to long ago and looking at a computer is making me ill. For all of you out there who got a Hewitt Packard (HP) computer for Christmas, Jesus wept is all I can say. Plus I hope you bought extended warranty because you sure the fuck are gonna need it. Have a good one everybody talk to you all later.



Grandma

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Hey everyone how are you? I had a pretty good weekend all things considered. Went shopping yesterday and the mall was just crazy let me tell you, go figure it is too be expected I guess. I have to do a little bit more today but nothing too serious and the stores I need to visit won’t be crowded anyway. I watched Bruce All Mighty this weekend and I was disappointed to tell you the truth. It was not as funny as I thought it was going to be, a lot of people saw the movie and told me it was really funny but I only chuckled at a few parts. Anybody getting excited about Christmas? I am really looking forward to it. I love watching my wife and son open their presents and seeing the look on their faces when they are surprised. Makes it all worth while somehow or another, hopefully I will get to post again soon; I would say Christmas day for sure. Lately by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is look at a computer after fixing our customer’s computer so bear with me. Go to go and head to work have a good one everybody.


This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.

This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race...

...A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that she start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age with a crew building a house."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot ever bring us the fucking drywall."


Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I usually get asked if I miss home, the home in question is Newfoundland and the answer is a flat no, then I get asked why. Well here is why, when I moved back to Stephenville the last time with my wife (before we were married) we were strapped for cash. There is little to no work over there and good luck getting a job. So some relatives of mine starting telling my wife that I was a loser, lazy did not want too work, that I wanted to be a welfare bum? The last one makes me laugh because I am thinking that is probably how some of them are paying their own bills. Supportive family right? *rolling my eyes here* so the best idea we ever had was to move away, we ended up in Nova Scotia. So how ironic that right now I am the only one in my family working right now, hmm seems I am the LAZY one then I guess. I have called one of my family members and since they did not return my calls or answer the phone for that matter I have deducted they did not want too talk to me so my response? FUCK YOU THEN, don’t say I did not call when you have caller display and you damn well did know I made the attempt. Don’t lie to others and say you talk to me on messenger all the time, when everyone who knows me can tell you I hardly go on line with it. So you see I am the black sheep of my family, and it does not bother me in the least. I am in exile from my family and that is just fine by me. I have a wife and a son and that is my world, and I am a happier man not too have to deal with the craziness of my family. Since my father died I rather doubt I will willingly go back, maybe if someone dies I might but other than that I have nothing to go back for. Anyway enough ranting I got to go and get ready to head to work, talk to you all later have a good one everyone.

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of
one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of
two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard
decision to make, as they were both equally qualified
and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in
the morning whichever one used the water cooler first
would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get
some water to take a couple of aspirins and the
executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never
done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a
terrible headache."

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Well I am back, sorry about the lack of posts last week but we are extremely busy at work and I have little time to write a post let alone check out the usual blogs I normally visit. Even though it is busy at least the time goes by faster, even though it is hard on the brain. How was every one’s weekend? Mine was good, not long enough as per usual. Ever notice that you week drags by but the weekend blow past you in a blink of an eye, not very fair in my mind but what are we to do? I did watch a movie called 28 days later, anybody see it? People get infected with a virus that puts them in a rage and makes them want to kill the people who are not infected. I supposed this could really happen one of these days. How ever I would be not like those two wing nuts who at the beginning of the movie, were walking around with a baseball bat and a machete, I mean get real if you thought you were the only one alive with a bunch of enraged crazy people would you not go and get a gun? Preferably one with a clip that can hold 30 rounds or so, makes sense right? Not in movie land I guess. Anyway got too go and get to work talk to you all later have a good one everyone.

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his
computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter penis.
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

Friday, December 12, 2003

I never got a chance too post this week because we have been rather busy for a change which is not a bad thing I guess. The company I work for has released a new product so we are getting a lot of calls on it; at least it makes the day go by quicker. Plus they do not want us browsing the web at work because it is sucking down our band width, so it kind of puts the damper on things. Not much is going on in my life right now so I have no complaints. Anyone see the show about big foot that was on the other night? I find it amusing that people state they see a 9 or 10 foot creature strolling around and nobody takes them serious. Every body that claims to have seen big foot cannot be lying, what would you can from being called crazy or ridiculed? Not much I don’t think. I think there could be such a creature, god knows there is enough of wilderness that is still untouched for it to live in. although I have often wondered if is truly alive and well why have no one found a dead carcass from one of them because surely they are like the rest of us and cannot live forever. But in the end who the hell knows, they did not think there was life on the bottom of the ocean either. Have a good day everybody talk to you all later.


An Irishman, Englishman & a Newfie were in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar; a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly; the Irishman cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him; smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you"
The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! The arthritis is gone," he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone.
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face.
"Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers' Compensation."


Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Well time to start another week, I was out of synch last week with the snow storm and Super Steve being let go. (He will be sadly missed to say the least) as for my weekend it was pretty good I guess I did not do anything special. I did however watch Ice Age with my son and I must admit I found it very funny which is kind of cool I guess.

Last night I was watching a documentary on the discovery channel about the deep ocean, for example did you know the biggest mountain chain on the planet is under water? Me either and I do believe they said it stretches some 28 thousand miles. The marine biologists were using deep sea submersibles to explore the mysteries of the deep. One thing that floored me was a picture in Gulf of Mexico. It was a lake at the bottom of the ocean, freaky indeed. The shore line was made up of mussels and the water it enclosed ebbed and flowed with a tide and there was even a high tide mark to be seen. The water the mussels enclosed was a different color than the ocean because it was all brine and therefore a higher density than the ocean it’s self. There you have it a lake on the ocean floor. It is hard to describe it to be sure but to see it was mind bending to me. I had to stare at the picture for a couple of minutes for the reality to set in, after I got my mind around what I was seeing I could not help but grin in amusement. Anyway I got to go and head too work talk to you all later have a good one everybody. (No joke today something a bit different I got this in an email and found it amusing.)

INNER SKELETON:
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X- rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a foetus, which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA:
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR:
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, and then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping-pong ball.

BLIND DRUNK:
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH:
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to her man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go

Friday, December 05, 2003

I never got chance to post yesterday but I have an interesting one for you today. I was watching on the news about a man in Germany who is accused of cannibalism. What this guy did was advertise for a victim on the internet and guess what? Someone actually answered which is the strangest thing I ever heard of. So when this person turned up at this guy’s home he gave him some pain killers and cut off a body part and they ate it together now they did not say which part but who knows. They he killed the guy and put him in the refrigerator. The whole thing was video taped as well I might add. Now is this murder, because this is what they are charging him with. The victim pretty much volunteered to be killed so it is a strange case. How did the police find out about all of this, when he posted on the internet for a new victim. It would have been nice if he had eaten some of the annoying people we see on T.V all the time, which would have been too much to ask I guess. Anyway got to go and head to work talk to you all later have a good one everyone.


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

When I went to bed last night there was not a flake of snow on the ground, not the case this morning however. I woke up with a winter wonderland out side paid in spades. Now way we were getting out of the driveway this morning and I knew that the cabs would not be on the road. So I thought to myself what would Jared do? Same thing as I did last year when we had a really bad snow storm, hoof it to work. I got soaked to be sure but I did however get my Tim Horton’s coffee so it was not too bad. The snow in the driveway of our parking lot was up too my waist all the way to the road. The roads themselves were not bad in some places but I would not want to be behind a wheel of a vehicle while trying to drive on them. There are only a handful of hearty souls here at work right now so it should be an interesting day to say the least. I am guessing more people will straggle in later on today if the roads manage to get cleared. So have a good one everybody talk to you all later I got too go and get to work. I got this in my email yesterday iI thought it was amusing, wether it is true or not.


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45
am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from
the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides that
he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory
floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Elmo's
all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric
and
a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the
little
package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Man bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches
the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
each
Elmo "two test tickles."




Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I had a really good time this weekend, on Saturday night I went to my wife’s Christmas party for work. It was a good time to say the least, and I must admit it was nice to get out for awhile since we do not get to do it very often. Kind of hard to do when you have a child so when we do get to go somewhere it makes all the more enjoyable. So a good time was had by all. How was everyone else’s weekend good I hope? This weekend should be amusing as well; our son has his birthday this weekend on Friday to be exact. So on Sunday we will be doing something for him, I am not sure what but my wife will be cooking something for him. Given the choice of going out too eat and my wife cooking, he chose her cooking instead. Which is a good choice in my mind because it will be way better than anything you can buy at a restaurant. So back to work today and I hope this week goes as well as last week. Anyway got to go and get too work talk to you all later have a good one everybody.


An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."