It is 12:53 am here and I am feeling good. Mind you I am sipping on some Budweiser but I am not drunk but…….I am comfortably numb. Today has been a hell day my back is killing me. The left side of my spine feels like someone took at lighter to the nerves that run up the left side of my spine, the beer helps but I think it maybe the chairs at work that is making it flare up so bad lately. Wish I could win the lottery, I do not need millions just enough to buy a hot tub and a house to go with it so I can move out of this apartment building. I sat here and had a look at my blog, first it was a place for me to rant about work but now it is a bit more. It is now a place just for me too put down whatever I think about at any particular time. Now I know only a few people actually read what I write but that is enough for me. I never did try to reach a wide audience or anything. I used to write a lot of fiction but this is a whole new avenue for me which I find very exciting. My comments section never gets over whelmed which I really do not mind, but one person keeps commenting and that makes me smile because at least someone is reading and thinks enough to say hey I read your site and I wilt el you what I think. Most of what I put on there is insane ramblings nut I some times hope I touch a nerve and make people think. Hopefully I do if not oh well I am the world’s worst critic anyway I hate instantly what I write anyway. But such is life I think. Anyone who reads this on a regular basis I salute you. Thanks and I hope you keep coming back for return visits and I hope you let me know what you think does not matter if you agree or disagree with what is say.


I am a Phoenix spiralling up from the ashes looking down at the devastation and despair rising swirling up in a wave of flame. Each breath I suck in is like the sweep of an unseen clock and I rocket towards the heavens. Reaching the crescent I spread my wings shroud in burning embers and toss my head back as I scream in flame “I AM FREE” and I keep rising into eternity – by me.

Just imagine your are homeless, inject whatever reason for being homeless. Think about what is must be like to have absolutely nothing but maybe the clothes on your back and maybe a shopping cart to carry around the meager possessions you may have or found scrounged etc. Think about constantly being hungry and having to dumpster dive to find food or the humiliation of having to beg for money and for food. So imagine feeling the seething rage of helplessness because you cannot get social benefits because you have no place to live hence no address so the government will not give you a check so you so can climb out of the pit of despair.

So you wander down the road, dirty maybe a bitter wisp of body odor follows you and you think of where the hell I am going to get my next meal? And low and behold you see it a spa for pets! Your mouth falls open as if it is on a hinge as you gape helplessly at the animals being pampered and fed the best of food. All because they have rich “masters” how you they make YOU feel? I would be enraged. I did not make up the pet spa are around the united states and the first one I read about was down in California. How you feel about this?

JUST SOME IDEAS TO PONDER OVER


OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Sex and the Law

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Maybe it looks different backwards?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

Another porn site has signed my guestbook how lucky am I? How the hell do they find my site? God only knows. How lame is that signing some one's guest book aand trying to get me to "cum" and visit their site. 3 words for you "get a life" buddy I don't need to visit your porn site. If i want to see a bit of the AH QUI! then that is why i have a wife. The calls are shitty today all hill billies with attitudes what a lovely way to start the day.

I will not post from work any more because when I do my pages loses its mind and acts up so I wrote this and emailed it to myself when I was at work.


I may catch some flak for this but what is wrong with some of these customers? The people who in and I see they are living in New York or New Jersey are so fucking ignorant. You are lucky if you can a complete word in before the cut you off and start babbling. When I am giving instructions they cut me off before I get the words out of my mouth. My finger hovers on the release button you ignorant fuck heads. You make we just want to snap and have mental conniption fit. Most of our customers I am convinced are not capable of reading and or listening. I enjoy the people who listen and follow instructions but the rest of you here is a news flash. We try to get you off the phone as quick as possible so we don't have to deal with you. If you call and act like an asshole towards us one of these days were are going too format your computer and fuck up big time. Why? Because we can and will.

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

I wonder why is it when you are young you wonder and think about what your life is going to be like and when you get older you remember what your life has been like? I am sitting here staring at my computer screen, as I sit and stared a wind blows through my mind and flips through my book of memories and stops on a specific page.

Now I was no born with a silver spoon in my mouth to be sure. I grew up in a small town with a very small population. It was some like population 300 and 299 of them were sheep. HA HA! not that bad but close. My father was a fisherman and my mother worked in a fish plant as was the time in Newfoundland. So there is my memory staring back at me. There I was a little child no more than 5 or so, it was beautiful day not a cloud in the sky and what was I doing? Sitting on the hill in my back yard watching squid dry on poles. (MY DREAM JOB) That was one of my numerous jobs when I was a child, you HAD to watch them because blue jays and seagulls would come rocketing down out of the sky and steal them. What kind of torture was this for a 5 year old with the attention span of a retarded house fly? Very nasty indeed.
So as you can guess I grew up around fish all my life and I declare my house a fish free zone sort of like the demilitarized zone in Vietnam. I have a serious hate on for fish, they may not hold a person grudge towards me but I loath them. Anyway that you can think of fish I have had it for supper when I was a child. Why? My father brought his work home with him. So If I seen a cod fish walking down the road for example I would jump the son of a bitch, goddamn right. The police would show up and I would be a gibbering lunatic pounding its dead body. Yeah that is right boys and girls I am a little bit racist when it comes to fish. Different ethic back rounds no problem. Your skin is a different color? No problem. Gay, lesbian? No problem. If you are a fish? You are one dead motherfucker!

To this day I cannot even stand the smell of fish cooking my stomach rolls. Mind you I do like to go fishing even I can give the little Satan spawn away. My mother died when I was in grade 5, my father followed just last year. We had a rough time of it because he had some kids to feed and not the world’s greatest cook. Compound that with outstanding hospital bills because she had been battling cancer and so can see where this is going.

The other food that will make me lose my cool is HAMBURGER FIXINGS! I think that is how it is spelled. To this day I am not sure if it was a cheap knock off of hamburger helper but I shudder when I think of it. I was feed this for about 3 months straight for supper before dad himself said I am sick of this shit. I told my wife do not ever bring it in the house, we have never had an argument in the time we have been together. If she bought it in the house I told her get ready for one because I would freak out. I have visions of the box hurling out the window at the speed of sound. We both agree of the fish thing thank god she cannot stand it either, our son likes fish but if he wants any cooked he better move out because we are not buying any that is for damn sure.

Anybody else out there have a food you hate? I can imagine so. Later got to get ready to go to work I guess.


"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

Just having a look at my site from at home. Besides the fact someone has posted on my guest map which is cool, I noticed something in my guest book. I quote"Hey guys, just wanted to stop in and say hi CUM check out my site we can have some fun HeHe" no I am no self described genius but take a swag (scientific wild ass guess) at what the message is between the lines of that one? Sexy Mandi s Web cam Ring hmmm what untold wonders could this bring? How lame do you have too be to post something like this on a blog? Oh no because it is not bad enough we get porn email they have to sign your guest book. How in the hell did they find my page anyway I want to know? One of lives un-solved mysteries I guess. Think I will go and have a shower now I fell so cheap and dirty. LOL!


Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

well the feeling of impending doom has been washed away. Steve is still live and kicking! whoo! Does not get any better than that. I gave serious thought to changing contracts when I though he was going. The reason is because i was not too happy with the choices for supervisors had he gone. so it is a good day today. later.

Feel a dark ominous cloud looming over me as I contemplate going to work on Tuesday, not because it is my fist day back too work after two days off. Alas it is because they are swinging the axe of "re-structuring” at work. *sigh* as it is some good people with get in the way of this axe and become causalities of war. My supervisor volunteered to go. Why? Because as he told me he looked for an excuse or a reason not too come to work. I can appreciate that indeed I feel that way too sometimes because the customers suck the life out of me like a vampire who has not drank his fill in eons. I have has a lot of different bosses in my lifetime but not one I will actually miss. My boss was always there with a good joke, comment or witticism to make your day that much brighter, but if he goes a dark day it will be indeed. He took the high road and took flak for it because he did not shit on us, shit may roll down hill but it stopped at him. He did not see the reason for acting like a dick head or an "asshole" as he stated when dealing with us. He did not breathe down our necks and hand us the every day bullshit that other supervisors did. His path was filled with integrity which would bode well for some of the other brown nose mother-fuckers to follow. But oh well guess what is not going to happen? Too busy saving and covering their own asses. So Steve yes indeed his name was Steve took a different road, if you get a chance have a look at his site it is the first one in my links. It was a hard road but one he strode down all by himself, so hat's off too you boss! I will always consider you boss. I would dearly hope you will be there at work too make it fun but if not here's too you bro and all the success to anything you put your hands too.

As you would say AH QUI!

THESE ARE SOME FUNNY ONE LINERS I FOUND ON THE NET FOR THINGS TO SAY AT WORK, WELL AT LEAST I FOUND THE FUNNY.


This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. ( HEY HEY! I AGREE WITH THIS ONE SOMETIMES! LOL!)

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!


to quote the drill SGT from full metal jacket............I'M GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF, SO YOU CANNOT CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE WORLD!........

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life


1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

I remarked a couple of days ago about what makes a person go sliding over the edge, what edge you may be asking? Well the edge of insanity. Why do people suddenly become serial killers? I have read a lot of books when I was younger about these types of people and I have no idea, and as far as I can tell neither do the people who write these types of books, they make well educated guesses that is about it.



Why would a man (ever notice most serial killers are men? Wonder why that is?) Want to mutilate another human being? Now bear in mind we are animals in all reality. Mammals for sure but still we are a species of animals, so is there some primal genes from the old gene pool rolling around in these people’s bodies making them commit these crimes? Could very well be, saying that a killer is an uneducated schmuck is a farce in my mind. Have a look at Ted Bundy; he was well educated, articulate and charismatic. So those rules do not apply to all killers, indeed even killers are not cut from the same cloth. Is a problem with dealing with reality? What is reality when you come to think of it? Is it working all day long coming home eating supper and maybe watching TV for an hour or two having a shower going to bed and repeat the performance the next day. Add in variations of whether a person in alone or married, children or not. Maybe you get laid off or fired because or restructuring. How normal is that when you really think about it? Sort of makes you nod your head in agreement as to why they sometimes snap, I do not agree but I guess I sort of understand.



But then again let’s have a look at some of their realities shall we? Not going to name names for these people but if you want to look them up fill your boots as the saying goes. One wild little unit used to keep heads of dead prostitutes in his deepfreeze. When he was in the mood for a shower and in the mood for some good old loving (ugh!) he would remove these heads let them thaw a bit and put make up on them and bring them in the shower with him. (Yeah I know makes me cringe too thinking about it.) While in the shower with his specimens he would use them to perform oral sex on himself. Now why the fuck would you even come up with this idea in the first place? What is your major malfunction numb nuts! Good Christ can you believe that shit? (Shaking my head now as I read this) how is that for sick?



Another winner had a vest complete with female breasts, an actual woman’s face that he used to wear, complete with hair. He used to wear this along with women’s panties with vaginas in them. He wore these items while he danced around the house to recreate the spirit of his dead mother.



Now does that freak you out or what? The scary part is these people walk around functioning in society and nobody knows the difference until they start killing. So when you are on a bus, standing in the line in a bank for example or even at work, take a side long glance at the peson next to you and see if you can figure out if they area stark raving psycho or not. My rule is, if you do not



smoke
drink
swear


then I avoid you like the plague. People who do not do any of these are more adapt to snap in my book because they have no outlet for their rage. But then again that is just my thoughts all of this, what can I say it is a boring day at work. Just filling up the time so I won’t be bored.

I just remarked to my supervisor that I feel like a ring master in the retarded circus. He smirked at that one I tell you. The callers today are dreadful if you called in once today how could not possibly not know what version of windows you have? The previous tech had told you know what version you had. Is your mind a Teflon pan and nothing sticks? I fucking think so. I swear to god some body spayed Pam on your brains so no thought will to it. Why does it have to be like this? If you say “I done broke my computer” right away I place you as mental midget IQ and dismiss a lot of what you say as bullshit. Get with the program people and smarten the fuck up.

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on

my page is under construction once again please be patient, fix it when i get home. i use office to proof my blog before i post it.i made a mistake choose select all and that is where the big gaps come from.

what a beautiful day outside. too bad i am indside looking out. days like today make you feel like playing hooky from work. then again if i done that i would not have a job i guess. i got my hands on some music this weekend.ever hear of the black label society? not too bad at all. the lead singer is zakk wylde who is the guitarist from ozzy osbourne. not too shabby at all if you like the heavier stuff. I think he is not getting the credit he deserves because every one loves randy rhodes and over looks zakk's work which is a shame because he is very talented. anyway if you get a chance check out his work.

bleed for me i beld for you, embrace me child i'll see you through....... a part of one of his songs.

Now I know there are a couple of people who read my site so I was wondering as I do. What kind of planet do we live on? Look around at the every day household items that you see and think about this if you will. Long has the debate raged that is there intelligent life out there in this big universe of our? Scientist have proven that in the deepest they have gone in the ocean there is life by the volcanic vent that resides on our ocean floor. So obviously for a species to survive they don’t really need oxygen and light as previously thought. So what really do they need? I have no idea. But picture this if you will, I watch a lot of discovery channel. Scientist figure another catastrophic event will happen sooner or later that will probably wipe out humanity. So if alien visit our planet what will they think of our artefacts? What will they make of a TV? There is one in every home so is a way to communicate with god for example? What is the deal with q-tips for example? How about the acres of paved road what would they make of this? How about my all time classic plastic bottles? What impression would we give these beings? We are a use once and throw away society? I think all fingers point to this. What do you people think? I mean really think about this I would really like to know? I mean we drove out to the scout’s camp to pick up our son and I saw some road kill. It always disturbs me when I see this, why? Because if we were not here and did not need a road this animal would be alive. Believe me when I say I am not a tree hugger or a hippy at any extent and anybody that knows me would say so. God knows I hunted my share of animals but seeing them dead because of our convince makes me think. If there is intelligence life out there people wonder why they have not contacted us. News flash people, because they are intelligent that is why. If we are so almighty powerful why is there war? Why is there hate? Why is there racists? Why lists could go on and on. Maybe I am just rambling on and on. But I think of this stuff all the time and I always wonder do other people think of this or is it just me? I firmly believe if man cannot fuck it he will kill it. Not all men mind you, but the mass majority of what roam the earth. Not our problem so don’t worry about it for example is what I seem to read in the news or in print. What kind of world are we leaving our children? Very bleak in my eye view, are they any better than us? God I really and truly hope so but I think not. See children lead by example and I don’t think we have been leading a very good example. Not by a long shot, we try our best but I think we fall way short of the mark and end up in a big chasm. Seems to me all the kids today worry about is what kind of clothes they wear and what kind of music they listen too. But then again maybe there ids hope. What do all of you think? Am I crazy or what? You agree or disagree? I am interested to know.

Well I had a very good day; first of all I had today off. I booked today off as a holiday. Second my son with to camp with his scout troop. So I and my wife had the whole day to ourselves. What to do? Well for starters I got myself a long overdue and much needed hair cut and then we went into the town and went shopping. All in all it was a fun day I ended up buying 2 movies 8 mile and red dragon. I will watch them sometime this weekend at some point or another. Right now as I write this my wife is watching the NASCAR all star race. Can you believe NASCAR has an all star race? I did not until I seen it with my own eyes. Chalk something else up to another weird southern tradition. Grown men driving in circles how entertaining, hmmm, guess it works if you are into it

if you like to download music or whatever you shouldgive this program a try SOUL SEEK i works alot better than kazza or any of the other peer to peer file sharing programs that are out there. give a try the worst that could happen is you wont like it. just do not fortget to set up you download spped or upload speed.

dan·de·li·on [ dánd’l n ] (plural dan·de·li·ons)
noun

weed with yellow flowers: a common plant that has bright yellow flowers on a hollow stalk. Its seed head is white and fluffy and its leaves are used in salads, medicine, and winemaking. Latin name Taraxacum officinale.


[15th century. From French dent de lion , lions tooth, translating Latin dens leonis . Because of the plants toothed leaves.]


i was out side waiting for my cab because it was raining today as usual. while i was standing there nonchalantly smoking a ciggarette there was an old lady puttering around on the lawn with a shopping bag and a pair of scissors. every now and then she would lean down and cut something from the grass. why was an old lady out cutting something in the grass while it was raining i wondered? *shrug* figured it must be something old people do when they are bored. while i pondered this old people idiosyncrasies she sidled up to me and said "do they have any dandelions in newfoundland?"
"yes i replied, why?"
"do you eat them?" she answered. what is that all about?
"you cook them like spinach" she told me

now who came up with this idea in the first place i wondered? what would make someone break down and eat dandelions in the first place? here we are trying to get rid off all the weeds on our lawns to make them beautiful and we were just wasting food. i told my supervisor about this story and he did not believe me, he thought i was making it up. it was a wierd experience believe me knocked me for a loop.

anybody out there why i have this big space at the top of my blog? i did not change anything in the template very weird.

something is going on with my page there is huge gap on the top until it reaches the post. i am not sure what is going on. i may have to fix it when i get home because i am running out of patience with it

what the hell is going on my my page?

Last night I was lying in bed and I could not sleep. I watched my wife sleep away, and I thought how angelic women look when they sleep. Then as I got mad and tried to sleep it just evaded me even more. So I started thinking about some of the weird calls I am after taking.

Case in point, I was talking to an older gentleman and after doing my job for awhile you could tell he was middle aged or so maybe retired. How ever after we got the usual amenities out of the way and started working on his problem I drew him into conversation. I asked him how long he was trying to get connected to the internet. Not long he replied, but his wife had been trying for sometime. Did she get on-line I asked. No he replied she was working on it until she blew herself up! That is a show stopper right there folks.

Needless to say there was dead silence at that point. My imagination shot off the starting line and started sprinting around the imagination circuit. What the hell was she doing with the computer to blow herself up? Was she playing with the dreaded and dangerous power supply for some unknown reason? It is very dangerous and even when unplugged can kill you? Did she get mad and shoot the computer with a shotgun and inadvertently blow herself up? As my imagination headed down the home stretch I guessed maybe she got mad and punched the monitor causing an explosion. Lap complete. All of this happened in a span of 30 seconds or so.

What to run that by me again I asked. She blew herself up was the reply. Now I am from Newfoundland and we are curious folk so I had to ask, how did she manage that? Well she is sick god bless her, she is trying very hard to quit smoking. She is on an oxygen bottle and she lit up a cigarette, and boom.

Is she okay I asked? Oh yes she is, gave herself a fright and a little bit of a burn. Well as long as he is okay that’s the main thing I answered, also good way to scare yourself into quitting smoking I guess. At this point he laughed, so hey so did I. very funny indeed considering it happened to someone else, ever notice that fact? Things are funny when they happen to someone else? Well I managed to get him straightened up and online but he sure did fill my day with amusement. It is a true call too by the way, if you listen to my calls from the past you could listen to it yourself.

well he figured out the last one too, he never posted the answer cuz he sits next to me,so here is a couple more.

Sturdy, strong stable, still
Some live in me some live on
And some find me to live upon.
I rarely leave my native land.
Until my death I always stand.
Sturdy Strong Stable Still
Often shaken, but not at will.
High and low I may be found
both above and under ground.

or

Devils and rogues know nothing else,
save starlight

my boss figured out the last one so here is a new one

A harvest sown and reaped on the same day
In an unplowed field,
Which increases without growing,
Remains whole though it is eaten
Within and without,
Is useless and yet
The staple of nations.

this is an actual pictrue from space it is call the pillars of creation.

this is a riddle i am just wondering if someone will firgure out the answer and post it in the comments.


Turn us on our backs
And open up our stomachs
You will be the wisest of men
Though at start a lummox.

Just finished watching two movies today. We rented 3 all in told for this weekend. Stealing Harvard was not as funny as I thought it was going to be, some parts were funny but for the most part I thought it tried too hard. Then I watched I SPY which was not as bad and the previous one. It had some action and comedy. Still it was no stellar performance by any stretch of the imagination; it did serve the purpose of keeping me amused which is something I guess. Eddie Murphy as a boxer? Takes some believing.

The last movie I watched was ghost ship. Supposed to be a scary movie I guess. Still I liked it. Not very believable but I liked it all the same. Interesting concept, not too shabby at all. Not too many good scary movies floating around out there. The last good one I watched was the ring. But there it is, when you rent movies it is like a crap shoot. Win some and you lose some. Not a huge list to choose from when you go to the movie store lately. I can’t wait until some new movies get released.

In case anyone was actually wondering why I wrote this is because, I am not sick very often. When I get sick I get sick big time. I burn up with a fever that is really nasty, so nasty I usually scare my wife because I get so hot. Times like these I usually start to hallucinate and have trouble with what is real and what is not. Also the fact nobody that I know of never really poked fun at being sick quite like I did. When you think about it really there is a war that you cannot see going on in your body. Sometimes we win sometimes we lose as sad as it is. But such is the life we lead. If you know me you knew I was sick if you read the fact I went home early. I will be working there 1 year coming July 22nd I have never missed a day in all that time. I have gone home only one other time so that is not a bad track record I guess. I figure it is better to show up early and make an effort that not so up at all. Must be the left over work ethic from when I was in the military I guess. But I if I had made a person grin when they read what I have written then that is very cool. I smirked a lot when I wrote it so there it is. It amused me to write it at anyway.

V-day has come!


Today has met with a resounding victory by the isa army over the invading eib. Earlier today as the forces of the isa hounded the eib as they retreated they cornered them on a sweeping meadow. The grass was stained with the blood of the dead and dying as the isa fought like a cornered rat. eib made their last stand on the top of a hill. Isa surrounded them and wiped the last of them out. Raising the flag or shrapnelzville high over the broken and dead bodies of their slain foe, then ensured a merry making the which none has seen since the chicken pox battle of 82.

What is this we are going to given an exclusive interview with general amoeba? He we go. The general strides across the stage back ramrod straight. His combat uniform crisp and clean adored with numerous campaign medals showing what a true warrior he is.

“good day ladies and gentlemen of the press. I am now ready to take some answers.”


Reporter---“general how do you feel about the war and how it was fought by your troops?”


General---“I feel that my mean and women have done a tremendous job in the way they have conducted themselves. We won the war because of superior training and leadership. Our weapons and equipment are second to none. Because of all of these factors combined we have had a resounding success.”


Reporter---“general what about the reports we have heard about your troops not taking any pow’s during the short campaign. Any comments on that sir?”


General---“*sigh* have any of YOU ever worn a uniform? No? Then judge not lest you be judged yourself. If you are too chicken shit to pick up a weapon and defend yourself do not throw stones at the people who do.”

Reporter---“general do you feel vindicated by the fact that you troops have won the battle so quickly after all the fuss over military spending during the last budget?”

General---“excellent question! As you can see the tax payers dollar have not been spent in vain. I am hoping that the when the next budget comes around we won’t have to worry about trying to cut corners. If you put money into the military obviously we are going to produce. It is that simple.”

Reporter---“what are you going to do next general?”

General---“well not a whole lot for the next day or so. My soldiers need time to rest and relax after all of this. I would imagine a lot of partying is going to come out of all of this and truthfully, well they deserve it. *grin* I would expect in the next month there will be some victory babies born. When the battle field is all clean up it is back to business. Cleaning weapons and training.”

Reporter” sir can you tell me….”


General----“ sorry son but my time is valuable I have to go and visit my wounded at the hospital and have a beer with the ones out partying until next time see you later and keep your head down.


The lights dim and the general give the crowd of reporters a stiff salute. The air fills with a million flash bulbs as his picture is taken multiple times and ends up on the front page of the next day’s newspaper. Then he turns smartly on his heel and marches briskly off into the darkness.

WE INTERUPT THIS SCHEDULE PROGRAMING TO BRING YOU NEWS FROM THE FRONT!



Last night was a quiet night for a little while. The isa had captured a key strong point and had settled down in a night defensive position. After digging in they tried to get some much needed sleep. But alas it was to no avail. The eib launched a series of probing attacks to keep the defenders off balance and to lower morale. What they did not know was during the cover of darkness the isa had used the time to bring in reinforcements in the shape of armour and heavy artillery. When the eib launched their probing attacks they were met with a brutal wall of fire. Tracer rounds lit up the night sky like some kind of macabre laser show, explosions rocked the night sky as if dragons once again walked the earth spewing fire and death once again. Once the smoke and flames died out during the lull in the battle the night sky was filled with millions of stars like diamonds spread across black velvet.

During the night shrapnelz’s raiders (SR) a Special Forces group had launched and executed a plan called operation extra strength Tylenol, This plan called for the spec ops group to cross into enemy territory in captured enemy uniforms and kill key leaders in the eib army. During the night they filtered through the opposing army striking where necessary. Just before 4:00 in the morning they crossed back over into friendly territory once more after an exhausting ordeal.

As the sky turned pink with the dawn the eib launched a morning attack in an attempt to gain back the valuable land they had lost. The early morning was shattered with gun fire and explosions. The battle raged on for what seemed like days as the isa beat the waves of attackers back time and time again. Cries of “MEDIC!” could be heard from both sides as casualties mounted. Then the armour which had been hidden behind the ridge raced forward and joined the fray. This was too much for the eib who gave up and ran for their lives.


General amoeba the commanding officer of the isa had an evil grin on his face as he ordered the armour units to give chase to the fleeing units.


We will leave the battle now as it is winding down for now. We will be back with yet another update later as more of this continuing saga unfolds. Hopefully we will be granted an exclusive interview with the infamous general amoeba. Until then good-bye.

NEWS ALERT!


Well here is a news update. The immune system seems to winning the battle for hearts and minds. All day long the battle has raged on. Fierce exchanges have been met on both sides. The immune system army(ISA) have marched deep into no man’s land against evil invading bacteria (EIB) territory. They have with a persistence and determination that would lead them to kicking down the gates of hell if need be. We almost took a bad turn of events as the host was almost rocked to his knees when a skyrocketing temperature was bought upon him. Inside the eib had bought the isa in a withering crossfire that had pinned them down with horrendous causalities. In a last ditch attempt to free them selves from the choke hold the isa locked bayonets and charged through the thick clouds of cordite that filled the air. Amid the screams of wounded and explosions that rocked the land they made a change towards the enemy who had taken the time to dig in their defensive positions.

The enemy met them with a savage field of fire and out heroes were almost beaten back. Then out of the skies came the shrapnelz’s brigade! These fighter planes came in to bombard the defensive positions. They pounded the enemy not with napalm but with the much dreaded Tylenol cold tablets. Such weapons had never been seen in combat before! The devastation was too much for the enemy who broke from their positions and fled in a hasty retreat. The isa took advantage of the retreat to further whittle down their numbers with mortar attacks using ny-quill cold medicine bomblets. It has been a good day in the war ladies and gentlemen. After all the carnage the turning point of the battle may have come and pass. We must be careful that the eib do not mount a stiff counter attack. Stay tuned and further updates will be posted as soon as we have news. Until then goodnight.

Today is going to be a short day for me, I have lunch at 4:30 then I am going home. I am running a fever and can hardly breathe through my nose. Damn germs are invading my body trying to take over. My immune system is gearing up and getting ready for combat. I can feel the putting on the combat uniforms, and fixing bayonets. Hopefully we won’t have a Dien Bein phu on ours hands here. If I am lucky my immune system will dig in and fight, after whittling down the invading forces they will make multiple assaults on the enemy and drive them out. War is hell but in the case of my body I hope the immune system wins for the greater good.

My head feels like a pressure cooker about to explode. My sinuses are slowly winning the war. I hate it. Nothing worse than going on a sneezing jag for a 5 minute bout at a time, they can get a man on the moon. Land a vehicle on mars but cannot come up with a plain and simple cure for the common cold.

Funny thing is bacteria are winning the war against our bodies. Think about that will you. Aids, cancer, sars, the plague all kill us. Tiny micro organisms that can bring us grinding to a halt and kill us when ever they decide to strike. Humans are supposed to be the most advanced animal in the world with the best problem solving skills, why is it we cannot solve these problems? We are not supposed too I think. These diseases are just nature’s way of thinning the herd. If we did cure them they would come back new and improved and start on us again. Gives the scientist something to do I guess.

Ever notice how when you need something it is gone? For example I have a crest spin brush. The batteries are dead in it right now; I am after buying 2 packs of batteries in the last two months. Think I can find a battery for it? Not likely. Where do these things go? I know we bought some because I was there when we bought them. They were not single packs of two for example they were the mutli-packs. So did they decide to just up and leave? If so where do they go? Is there some battery night club somewhere?

Also think about this when you do laundry you have a pair of socks. When you take the clothes out of the dryer you have a sock. Where did the other sock go? When you back is turned do one of them make a break for it and run away? Nah I don’t think so. I think that socks are cannibalistic and each other. Either that or the sock mafia are whacking each other in the washer and disposing of the bodies.

What is the deal with clothes hangers while I am at it? Empty closet for example, put one clothes hanger and shut the door. If you come back 2 two weeks later and open the door and out they tumble about 20 or 30 of them. Hangers must reproduce like rabbits because every where you look from then on there are hangers. Weird don’t you think? It is quite a strange turn of events.

Soon get to go for my first break thank god. My back is killing me today; well truthfully it has been for the last week or so. I hope it is the damp weather that is doing this too me and not a sign my back is getting worse. I have compressed vertebrae in my back definitely not fun. The chairs we have sure do not help much un-comfortable beasts they are. I think as I get older the more my back hurts, I wish there was a way to fix it. Oh well I figure when I get older I am going to be a crippled old man. How shitty is that?

Well looking out the window is a pretty dismal sight today. It is over cast and has that whole industrial grey feeling. Hopefully it will be a better day at work today. Yesterday was not too bad but I had an abundance of brain donors calling me so it was a bit hateful. Usually as a rule Thursdays are usually a pretty slow and easy day with the enlightened people calling in. here’s hoping it remain to be true today.

Now my friend who works down on the DSL contract told me we were losing internet access at work. What is up with that I answered? The IT department are going to hook up all the computers using a local intranet or a portal or some shit like that. Whose bright idea was that I wonder? Bad enough we have to deal with less than stellar customers but now we cannot even look around on the internet. Mind you I do not do much web surfing except to find what I need. For example such sites as…. http://modemhelp.net/ or http://www.techcomedy.com/ just to have a laugh. Also I use the email every now and then to email my wife so we can find out those little details like. if one us has to work late, what is for supper and so on.

We are going to be in the equalviant of a sensory depravation tank. How wonderful is that? Staring at grey cubicles all day long, talking on the phone no outlet what so ever to ease the boredom or tediousness of the job. Ripping good idea I would say. Hats off to the gent that dreamed up this Idea.

Mean Things To Say To People

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

A Lawyer's Priorities


Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

What a day here at work. The stupidest mother fuckers on the face of the earth are calling in. now I have patience but these people are draining it today. A lot of these people are stealing 20 minutes or so of my life that I will never get back. Why do I have to explain simple shit about “using” a computer to people who have had one for 2 or more years? Why is they don’t know it? They don’t take the time to let any thing set in their brains. Fix it but don’t tell me how, I just want it fixed and I want to do nothing while you fix it. Yeah sure have another cup of crazy because we are all full here. Jesus wept.

fixing up my page today in case you were wondering

you know you are having a bad day when

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

I have learned


...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Ah! The sun is shinning today again, two days in a row will wonders cease to unfold. We were actually supposed to get rain today according to the forecast. They said it was going too rain for the next for days. Well I can see that weather forecasters are not always right. Indeed sometimes they almost seem surprised when they forecast the weather when you come right down and think about it. Save you the trouble there sport, the long term forecast for the next couple of months. Summer it may be hot and humid at times with some rain mixed in. there now I don’t have to watch the weather network for awhile

Rejected Hallmark Greetings


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

Ahh! My day is almost over, it is now 7:52 pm and I am off at 8:30. going home and have a feed of chicken fingers lovingly prepared by my wife. Hey I do not need big fancy meals every day of the week to keep me happy. For a change and a refreshing one at that it has been a good day at work. Notice I did not say great day. Great day would be if I got too go home early.

Useful Work Phrases


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14. No, my powers can only be used for good.

15. How about never? Is never good for you?

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Well today was a great day. My son was at school and I spent the day with my wife. Quality time beautiful. Hung out all day and done nothing in particular. Watched a car auction on the speed network this afternoon. Paying $950.000 for a car well that is amusing. You have to understand my wife. She watches hockey on Saturday night and NASCAR on Sunday. Has to be Winston cup or nothing. Which makes no sense to me? They go in circles all day long! There must be some point to it that I cannot see. I like watching the crashes but that is it. When she turns it on I go on the computer or read a book. But she loves it which makes me happy. She gets all excited so I smile and nod and say cool or yes dear cuz I dare not bring her down from her level of happiness. She does not shit on me for the things that I do which make me happy. Like computer games. Or the house can burn down around me while I read a good book.

So every man has different ideas I guess. She likes different things than me and that I why I love her with all my heart beyond eternity. Which brings me to my next point what a shitty night to watch TV? Nothing was on at what so ever that was any good. One show that lasted an hour that is it. Now is the season for re-runs. We can put a man on the moon but cannot make a TV show that can keep us entertained all year long. How sad is that?

Personal Mottos





A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

now is this or is this not a beautiful animal? indeed it is like save the whales they are trying to save the tigers because of habitat loss, poaching they are in serious jeopardy. now when they see baby tiger they go OOHHHHHHHHHH! aren't they cute.......






NOW ON THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM!









come on dare you too say AHHHHHHHHH isn't he cute? yeah right. these are the ultimate apex predator. sharks have been around for millions of years. basically they are natures garbage disposal units. i think they are highly interesting and even facinating but they scare the shit out of me.

most people are afariad of sharks which is why some of them are killed on sight. which is wrong. they swim the waters killing whatever seems weak, sick, whatever. trimming the herd in a way to speak. survival of the fittest. so why are sharks being killed in record numbers? most are caught alive and have their fins cut off and thrown back into the ocean? this is done for example by asian fishing trawlers so the can sell the fins for shark fin soup. i kid you not, i was watching this on the discovery channel. CAN YOU EVEN imagine a save the sharks foundation? cannot see people getting behind that one not at all. australia has made great white sharks and endangered species off their coast which is pretty cool.

people got attacked in the highest numbers last year it seem. like the child that lost his arm down in florida. why does this happen? think about this.....you get in the water thrash around.......or on a surf board which looks alot like a seal from below, especially when wearing a wet suit. then you wonder why they attack? it is where they live and eat and hunt. i have an idea. stay the fuck out of the ocean and leave it at that. if we were meant to swim in the oceans we would have gills and proably be extinct because the sharks would find us easy prey. SWIMMING pools people ever hear of them? use them and no predators swimming around. sound like a good idea? to me it does. now i cannot swim but if i could i would not swim in the ocean. why? i have lived near the ocean all my life . I know what is really in there, not just sharks either and the other creepy crwales. (SHUDDER) not a fat fucking chance of getting me out there.

Carcharodon meglodon: a sharks that was around before man. think of this monster. the size of a GREY HOUND BUS! holf shit! i would not go near the ocean let alone on it if they were around. cruse ship forget about in not likely. i would be paranoid. great white shark teeth are the size of say your finger. these guys teeth were the size of a hand. think about that next time you are swimming in the ocean.








this is all just some musing i did last night that i never got too write down. my wife got home and i err...*cough*.....was busy. yeah that's it busy! (INSERT HUGE CHESIRE CAT GRIN HERE) so i put this on my page today. i wonder if other eople feel the same way? i know something that is for sure makes you think.

Thoughts


1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

8. So what's the speed of dark?

9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?

44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Did you know...

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why

Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump".

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for three years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The longest word in the English language in 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

The most common name in the world in Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length...it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch" will cause your stools to come out green.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.

when i was younger i started reading fantasy magazines. such ones as the savage sword of conan, and the ultimate magazine heavy metal the art work in the magazines are what drew me in as well as the stories. mind you the stories in heavy metal are sometimes written by people taking illegal sustances i think. so that is why there a bunch of picutres on my page that are the same type of theme for the most part. amazing how you can find this stuff on the internet if you hunt for it.

Stupid Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods


On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Right Click


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....

Things To Do When Your Isp Is Down


1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

now i know what you will think when you read some of the sthings i write about when people call in. ARE THEY REALLY THAT BAD? yes they are. below you will find a list. this is true stuff so take a look. i am vindicated ha ha so there.....



Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. " The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"