Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Well I had a nice relaxing weekend and I never did anything special. I did however watch three movies. Anger management was ok I guess it was pretty funny at times but other than that the humour attempts seemed to be strained at best I thought. Dare devil was interesting as well some cool special effects but all that jumping around well it reminded my of Spiderman and as far I know they are supposed to be two different people.

The movie that was the crowning jewel of the trio was the hunted. This movie was the best movie I have seen in awhile. You can tell the actors put a lot of work into this one. The fight scenes were fluid as water and they must have spent hours practicing how to fight I think. Pretty cool story line to it I must admit could happen in real life I guess. Anyway it is back too work today but it is a short day which is nice, must go and get ready to go to work I guess talk to you all later.


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!"

Friday, September 26, 2003

Not much to complain about lately which is a blessing I guess, work has been going good. The calls have been really slow as of late which is indeed heaven because there is nothing like a couple of minutes between calls to catch your breath, so even though my first two calls yesterday were raving lunatics I did not mind or nor was I put into a bad mood.

Last night I watched survivor which is kind of interesting the way they put a spin on it this year. They pretty much have nothing as if they were really dropped off on an island by a ship wreck for example. All they have is what they bought at a village before they arrived on their islands. So it is really more of a survival aspect to it which makes it all the more interesting to be sure. One team has been hit twice with having to vote somebody off which is making them weaker. Should be amusing to see what happens next I expect. Anyway must go and get ready for work talk to all later.


A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"


Thursday, September 25, 2003

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that
preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,
preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the
woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with
me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as
a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an
arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy
Word, and praising Jesus."


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up
and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try
to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!"

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Well today is Tuesday another day down the road towards the good old weekend. It was very slow yesterday which was very nice, I went home and played my guitar with my friend who came over and showed me some tips on playing.

Speaking of my friend who shall remain nameless (Steven a.) who sits on the other side of the cubicle from me stated that he was very secure with his manhood today. He went on too further state that in his free time he like to crochet little doilies for his tables and plans to mass market them to compete with Martha Stewart. Whom he sees and a greedy money sucking parasite preying on the coat of society, how secure is that?

Talk about living in a different world hunh? Some people’s kids, Must go and get on the phone talk to you all later.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

A few minutes before the services started,
the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.
"Yep." was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Another week behind me, it was not a bad week all things considered I guess. For the most part the calls were not too quick and we had some time in between them this week which was very nice to say the least. Also the customers were not all contrary bastards a bonus in it’s self.

I had a lot of brand new users which was okay because they were full of questions which I don not mind in the least because they is how you learn and they showed a willingness to make an attempt to learn which is very encouraging. I asked them how long is your warranty, the answers varied from one year to three for example. So I told them do what ever you want to when it comes to making mistakes. What do you mean I got asked, well crash that thing and delete what ever you fell like now and get it over with while you are still under warranty? They found this amusing but I was deadly serious, I figure they should make their mistakes now and learn the limits now before they have to call their OEM’s and pay for tech support while they can. A lot of them seemed to like this idea very much and I egged them on saying this is how you learn and to an extent it is to be sure.

Sucks for the next tech they talk too I guess but it is part of the game in my eyes. I gave up telling people they should play with things that they do not know how too use because they are going to do it anyway. Must go and enjoy my quality time with my wife talk to you all later.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I have been watching the news every morning since I have started my new shift. Since there is nothing on in the morning times I watch CNN to see what is going on in the world. All they have been talking about for the last three or four days is the hurricane that is blowing off shore down near the Carolinas. The media has made this out too be a climatic bogey man of sorts and I a way I guess that is true. The storm is causing fear in many because past hurricanes have killed people and caused a lot of damage. Why do storms like this seem to surprise people in the first place I wonder? If I lived in the areas I would not be startled like a deer in a head of head lights when some body said there was a hurricane coming. You would think the residents in these areas would have the necessary supplies handy to board up their homes for example seeing how the last storm hit say two years ago. Human memory can be sort termed sometimes I would imagine, or ignorant maybe because people must think will it won’t happen again. They showed a list of the last couple hurricanes and the years they hit and seems to be a pattern to me of two to three years with the maximum of five. So why are people going into panic overload I wonder? Are they spurned on by the fear mongering of the media? Hmm it would be a plausible reason I think. Must go and get ready for work I guess talk to you all later.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Well I am enjoying my day off let me tell you. I never did much today at all played around with a computer game but that about sums it up. On the weekend I never do very much so to speak. I don’t go to bars or parties because Saturday day night is quality time with my wife. Besides I left the party life behind me a long time ago, I now find it boring to an extent. Being in a bar with a couple hundred people bumping into you and having to yell over the music lost its appeal. This coming from guy who once upon a time used to like going to rave bars so go figure.
I did watch a documentary on the science of shark bites on discovery channel which I found very interesting to say the least. This I got too watch after NASCAR was over so I enjoyed my TV time for a little while. Seems a bunch of scientist examined the bites of sharks when it comes to bite pressure and damage to human flesh.

One scientist was a guy who had his calf muscle ripped off by a four hundred pound bull shark, the whole thing was captured on video tape and they played the uncensored version at the end of the show. Pretty gruesome to say the least. It showed the shark from underwater biting him in the calf. Then it showed the after effect when they were taking him out of the water with a larger chunk of his flesh missing and blood and sinew and muscle hanging from the gaping wound. By the way did I mention he was standing in waist deep water with a school of bull sharks swimming around while he talked to another man. Hmmm seems to me that would raise you chances of an attack, but being a normal human as opposed to being a scientist what do I know right? Enough not too try that particular stunt in the first place.

Well it was cool how they made mock up mechanical sharks with metal teeth to test the different PSI pressure bites and how they relate to bites in human flesh. Three models were used a bull shark, a great white and a tiger shark. The great white has the hardest bite coming in to close to a ton of pressure when biting but the big surprise to me was the tiger shark. I did know they grew almost the same size as great whites but they have a different set of teeth which I was not aware of. Their teeth are sharp to better puncture with but also serrated as well. So they do an incredible amount of damage, borders on the verge of horrendous to be sure. These bites they tested with the shark moving toward the target at 25 MPH for example and the end result is I am glad I never got attacked because it was ghastly the amount of damage they all done to a side of lamb they had rigged up. Using weights they reproduced the amount of drag that would occur with a shark attack and moving when biting under water and it makes me think the people who survive should consider them selves very lucky to be alive to say the least.

They did show a video as well of a young woman who was attacked buy a great white shark. The shark bit he twice and she ended up losing her leg. What a shame, I may be wrong but I do believe it happened off Easter Island. I would never go back in the water ever again if I was attacked by a shark.
I grew up near the ocean all my life and my father was a fisherman once upon a time as most people from small out ports in Newfoundland were. So I used to go out fishing with him and I know to a certain extent what is in the ocean and I would never swim in there. People thing because the water is cold in the Atlantic Provinces that there are no sharks around here and guess what? You could never be more wrong. Since this is getting to be a bit long I must run along I guess since I bended your ear enough for now, talk to you all later.


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their
wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?"
they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed
and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man.”

Saturday, September 13, 2003

One Saturday morning a chap gets up early, dresses quietly, gets
his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the
garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing
50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the
house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be
bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that shit?"

Friday, September 12, 2003

I walking downstairs and I seen a complete stranger reading my blog., what a weird feeling there he was reading the words I typed feeling what ever emotions I had going through me at the time. Now I know some people come to my site a lot, most them people I know, but too see a stranger reading it left me with a feeling of awe. Strange but nice and the same time makes it worth while some how or another. Talk to you all later.
Well last night on discovery channel I noticed it was the last night for shark week. Boo, Hiss, I like watching about these creatures. Mind you I know they are not cute and lovable like whales but they have their reasons to be swimming around in our oceans. Think of them as the ocean’s garbage collectors in some sorts. It is kind of amazing how long these sleek predators have been cruising the oceans depths. Thank god some of the sharks are extinct, if some of them were still around you would never get me out on the water again.

Anyway I find them highly fascinating to say the least, especially the great white sharks. Which not a huge lot is known, they do not know where they go for the bulk of their lives and they do not know how they mate for example. Which is a testament of how big our oceans really are, then you also have the behemoth of the whale sharks which comes by Australia a certain time of the year and then nobody knows, as I have said before the ocean right now should be our final frontier because we don’t understand it for one, and two not all of it has been explored. If we have not looked at every inch of the ocean and seen all the un-told wonders the deep trenches may hold how can we possibly conceive space as the final frontier? Anyway must get ready to go too work I guess I hope it is slow today. Talk to you all later.







A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."









Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Yeah! Another day at work has come and gone, it was a short day mind you because I was off at 3:00 which is a good deal. Tomorrow is going to be a long day because it a off at 8:00 yeech! It has been slow at work the last couple of day which is a big relief for a change, because there is nothing like actually getting a chance to exhale between calls. Must go I guess got my guitar practice in for today must go and watch some boob tube and wait for big brother to come on, I like watching them back stab each other ( insert evil maniacal laugh here ) until tomorrow adieu.

SCHOOL PUNISHMENT


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"





ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS PICTURE IS AMEN!





I just despise the word savvy, when a customer says I am not very computer savvy my blood just boils. I would gladly strangle them with my black umbilical cord that connects me to my phone. Not amusing in the least, rank up there with someone saying I am computer illiterate that pisses us off just as bad. I mean come on we know how dumb you are as soon as you start talking, pretending you know what is going on because you brother, son who plays games on his computer who is obliviously a computer expert thinks he knows what is wrong and deleted something he should not have in the first place. Jesus wept when I talk to some of these people, this job can be very depressing at times. Other times it can be highly amusing but I find those calls are few and far between. I mean some of these people are taking this shit way too seriously. I cannot get my email in a whole hour, will pick up the fucking phone and call the person for god’s sakes you introvert. Because of the worm blaster virus I have not been on the internet I a couple of weeks, so am I going to get my money back for those two weeks or a free month or two?

Listen up if you got the worm virus how is that your ISP’s fault? It is YOUR fault for closing that box that says windows updates are ready to be installed. Now I know most people think that Microsoft should not have to patch their software but if you think you can build a version of an operating system that will run on multiple machines be my guest. Besides the fact you do not by a car for example and never put oil in it for example. That is what windows updates are for example, regular maintenance. Well I must get down off my soap box for awhile and fix this guy’s problem, talk to you all later.



High Tech Customer

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The man says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The man dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talked into the hand and carried on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the man, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directed him to the men's room. The man went in and twenty minutes go by and he didn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the man.

The man is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The man turned and said, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.""What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?" "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . . Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . . . Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . .and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Well I had a conversation with my wife who is definitely the better half as the saying goes. We had a talk about the death penalty, which I am all for. She however did not agree saying that death was too easy a punishment. What she meant by that statement was that just being killed was not a good enough punishment but spending the rest of their life in jail is.

Well I do not like the idea of some loser spending the rest of their life in jail funded by my tax dollars but that is the breaks I guess. Some one who is locked up in a cage for the rest if their natural life is no solace to the families I would well imagine. I would hazard a guess in imagining they would like to see the person die in a very horrible and grotesque way if they had their druthers.

Some of the serial killers for example is life in prison a good enough punishment, is spending the bulk of your life in a cage enough hell for them? Nah I don’t really believe so, punishment should fit the crime so to speak. That would be very amusing indeed and where do I sign up to dispense justice to some of these social malcontents? For surely I would just love to bring corporal punishment to a child molester. Who would not? Yes I know some of these people are sick, but after awhile it sounds like a giant scape goat that lawyers use to get these monsters back on the street so they can get caught again.

Way back when, Australia was a prison colony and maybe we should have some more islands for this type of thing. Really shitty islands that no one in their right minds would want to visit let alone live on, Islands with just enough substance to live off for a select few. Then survival of the fittest would kick in and they would do justice upon themselves. Alas I would imagine human rights would keep us from doing such a thing but it is a good thought I would think. This would not be for all criminals mind you just the really nasty ones that nobody would want to deal with. Any way it is my day off! Must go the Budweiser is beckoning me from the fridge saying “ DRINK ME!” so I must oblige. Talk you all later.

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in
the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake,
surprising a woman sitting on the can.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed!!
The drunk waved his dick at her and said,
"What's the problem? So is this!"

Friday, September 05, 2003

I wonder what is it about the end of the week that makes you dragged out. Technically my week isn’t over until the end of my shift tomorrow but that is beside the point. The point being I am dragged out like a long piece of spaghetti string. I am really looking forward to two days off and getting this place out of my mind. Seeing how I did not get any time off and I cannot book and days off it is a long road ahead. But what does not kill us will make us stronger as the saying goes. RIGHT? Hope so, and I would like to know who came up with that phrase in the first place because I am pretty sure they met and un-timely death shortly after uttering it.

Not a bad day at all as calls go I guess except one man who did not know what I meant when I said to put in period. How could you not know what a period is? I said you got to be kidding when he asked me what I meant. Makes me wonder if any of these people went to school in the first place. He got all sulky at me when I told him it was the symbol you use when ending a written sentence. Did I care? Not in the least.

I was looking on the CNN homepage as I am wont to do when I get bored at work so I can keep up on the news. One story made me shrug and wonder why someone came up with that idea in the first place. Seems over in Italy there is a winery sporting the labels of Hitler and other such people like Benito Mussolini and Joseph Stalin. Where did the marketing genius come up with idea for this? Must be a market for it somewhere but for the life of me I cannot reason why. Maybe it is for the shock factor; then again maybe these people have fans.

Needless to say Germany is not amused by this in the least, which may be excused under the circumstances don’t you think? They have to live with stigma of Hitler’s legacy forever bearing the black eye of his memory to generations to come. That man was inherently evil as well as insane so I would imagine they would not want labels sporting his face being sold in the world. I do not blame them in the least. Must go I guess talk to you later.


Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their
drinks.

One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen

an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

Pete replied "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."





Thursday, September 04, 2003

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard a customer says in a tittering voice “I don’t know anything about computers” tee hee! Funny the first time I heard it maybe but it gets old after hearing it at least once a day. What a day so far all kinds of angry and crazy people calling into today. What a glorious day talk to these mental cases, what a lucky person I am.

Amway did anyone see that car on the news that turn into a boat when you drive into the water? It was on CNN this morning, when you drive it into the water the wheels retract up into the body to keep from creating drag in the water. The car can do 100 or so on the street but I cannot remember how much in the water. The price was stated as the same for a helicopter for example? I would not pay that much for a car/boat! Most people cannot drive on the road so I can hardly fathom people trying to drive it in the water. I conjure up visions of rednecks tossing dynamite into water why swigging down some beer and yelling YEEHAA! And YEAH BOY!

Had a lady just call me and ask how she can change her access numbers because she moved. So I asked her to click on something and she said she could not. Why is that I countered? She was in her car bringing her kids to pre-school! How nice hunh?

This other lady I just talked too did not know what version of windows she had. So I asked her was her start button green? Windows XP is the only one with a green start button, so of course she said yes. So I got her to go to start, run and type in winver. It turned out it was windows 98. So I asked her thought you said the start button was green? She said yes it was, so I questioned her about it. Turns out she was talking about the button to turn on her monitor!

Welcome to my hell. Posted three times today on a roll here.
Things to Ponder

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?


A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Wednesday, September 03, 2003

This weekend I watched a show called parole board which I found very interesting. It was about three inmates up for parole for various crimes and they video taped their hearings and gave a blurb about their history and what sent them to prison to begin with.

It seemed to me all the parole board seemed to do to one inmate was wheedle at one man to see if they could get a rise out of him. He did not fall for the bait at that particular time, if I had been in that situation I don’t know if I could have kept my cool. The other two inmates did not get such a hard time as this gent so I will go back to him. He was in prison for a violent offence good enough. But then they asked why a couple of weeks of months ago cannot remember which he had an altercation with another prisoner with a piece of wood in the wood shop. Guess what they are in prison that is why it happened.

All of the people who we tried to avoid in high school, you know the really nasty bullies. All the people since we have left school and met who are trouble makers to the extreme are all locked up in the same place. So guess what is going to happen? Nothing good is going to come of it to be sure. Most of the people put in prison are predators that prey upon the weak. So once locked up in a confined area what do you really expect them to do? They are going to prey on each other, it survival of the fittest in action. Nothing glamorous going on here just plain old survival instincts kicking in.

I think that prison is an animal factory, ordinary people go in animals come out. Most prisoners who go in make a return visit after they leave. A lot of the time it is because they cannot deal with “society” anymore and are not equipped to deal with it after dealing with the prison’s society which is a way different form of democracy than ours.

If you take an animal, cage him and deprive him. Lock him up with other animal and essentially forget about him except to nourish him, leave him to his own designs then don’t be surprised when the animal gets free he goes on a rampage and then ultimately kills. Does not startle me in the least. All the gangs in prison does not help matters any either I guess, if you are not in a gang in prison you are alone and weak. Safety in numbers and all that jazz. Interesting tidbit I seen another documentary on prisons and a bunch of American prisoners said that would much rather do time in Canada because of the better conditions for one. The other reason was not as many gangs or violence to deal with. Anyway must go and get ready to head to work talk to you later.


A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to
the doctor. The doctor asks the little boy,
"Do you know your name?" He tells her yes my name is, "Timmy."
And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?
Yes her name is Mommy, said Timmy.
And what is Mommy's real name and little Timmy says, it's "Tammy."
That is great the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor
asked, and what is your daddy's name? Timmy said it is daddy. Finally
the doctor asked, and what does mommy call him?
Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "Asshole."

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Well I am back to work today, feeling good and rested after a nice relaxing weekend. I left early on Saturday because I was not feeling well but today I am feeling good which is nice. That is the main reason why I never posted any thing for the last couple of days. I did not do anything in particular except watched the new lord of the rings movie. I enjoyed it a lot especially the special effects job they done on Gollum. So today is a short day which is a bonus so the day will go fast.

I watched on the news today about a pizza delivery guy was killed by a bomb that he had strapped to him. The cops could not help him because they were not trained in bomb disposal. Mind you he had just robbed a bank but that is beside the point. What a way to die? Sitting there with a bomb strapped to you why the cops watch from a distance with their guns pointed at you to blow you away if you try to wander near civilians. Have a nice day right. Gotta go and get to work talk to you later.


A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night
awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager went to the room,
and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in.
He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both
fists.

"Stop that immediately, sir!" the manager ordered.
"You're disturbing everyone in the hotel."

"Damn the hotel and everyone in it!" the elderly man hollered.
"It's the first hard on I've had in years and both my hands are
asleep."