Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at that moment they're not actually dying.

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado.

When I see a guy with hair on his back, I immediately relegate him to the animal kingdom.

I haven't eaten an ice cream sandwich in forty-seven years.

Next time you see Bing Crosby playing a priest in a movie, picture him beating his children in real life.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think a good title for a travel book would be "Doorway to Norway."

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me, it's just one big, all-around, everyday rage. I don't have time for fine distinctions. I'm busy screaming at people.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.