hmmmm

well today is a new day. it is a nice day outside, the sun is shinning and i don't have to go to work. WOOOHOOO! my wife will be home tonight WOOOHOOOO! the downer is i have to clean my apartment. mind it is not dirty but it needs to be freshened up. I despise cleaning the bathroom above all other cleaning jobs. why does a bathroom become so dirty? it seems like and the dirty gravitates to the bathroom like some kind of unholy mecca. *sigh* guess it will be one of those unsolved mysteries. mopping the floor , dusting the furniture i do not mind. but cleaning the bathroom? i would almost rather move to another house when it gets dirty. what i would really like to do is put on HASMAT suit when i am cleaning it. or take a flame thrower to it. oh well enough complaining must go and actually clean it i guess.


here is the amusement factor for today...........




1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

i am sitting here listening to music with my headphones on because my son is in bed asleep. i am sipping on some budweiser staring at mu computer wondering what am i going to do to amuse myself? my wife has been gone since wensday on a business trip. she will be back tomorrow(sunday) thank god because i miss her like crazy, when you are in love and you best friend goes, well it is like missing a piece of me all the time and it makes me lonely,. so i got too thinking


we pay taxes and we die wooohooo! how fun is that? if we are lucky we find some happiness along the way. we need money to live and to be happy. some need alittle and some need alot. depending on the life style. to get money we need a job which means working. to get a job you need experience. to get experience you need a job in the first place.......need five years experince? how do i get that if nobody will hire me? i you know this let me know will ya? i guess most people lie on their resumes. or you volunteer to do the job for free to get the experience. (hey if it floats your boat you are a better person than me?) or mu personal favorite...you are over qualified. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? you are too smart for the job? he know's too much? we don't like you? we already had a person picked before we poseted the job?(my money is usually on this one?) a polite way to say FUCK OFF?

we pat taxes all the time. for what? i never see any of the money doing any real good. pot holse in the streets around here you could land some lunar modules in them and do some exploration. we get tax increase and the politicians get pay raises after seeing who gets elected for telling the bigggest lies. HMMMMMMMM............should they be held responsible for lying to us? i think so...mob rule justice and all of that.....i would love to see some tarred and feathered for example........

so to pay taxes we work....like mindless drones we toil in a nevr ending circle of slave to the gind......we get less and less free time studies say and less sleep. something is going to give and give big time i would say. because once a year we have to pay taxes for fuck all and so someone on welfare or social assistance can do nothing. now not all the people on these programs deserve to be lumped under the same group. some have to be on it or are like us all, ashamed if they had to be on it but HAD to be on it never the less. but most people abuse it.

so if we are lucy we can get to work all of our lives....unless we are given the bbot because we are too old....some younger guy can have your job....step into my office...why/ cuz you're fucking fired that's why! so we bounce around trying to work because this is what baks and credit card companies actually want us too do. and we retire and drop dead of a heart attack at 55 or hellish as it is 64. one year before retiring,all that money paid into pension funds. (WHERE DOES THAT GO BY THE WAY? EVER WONDER?) we work some some person in a suit can make desisions vased on our faith. do we have a job the next day or a pink slip? makes you wonder if this is all worth it sometimes does it not?


........................ SOME GET A LITTLE, SOME GET ALOT, SOME GET NONE, OTHERS LEAVE THE JOB HALF DONE!.....................

well it is only early yet am i don't have to go too work for another couple of hours. i am not even the least bit motivated to go to work today. i do not know why maybe because it is raining outside, reallt spilling down here today. hope it is a good day when i get too work. if it is slow today i will update from work has been pretty busy at work lately. which is ok i guess. when the calls come in quick it is busier and times goes faster i find, the draw back is you talk to more people and take more calls. last couple of weeks it has been slow, at some points there has been almost 10 minutes between calls, then time draws out like a blade. so there you go.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

do not call tech support and laugh at your own stupidity. we do not find this amusing in the least it just goes to prove how stupid you really are. if you make a stupid mistake do not laugh shut the fuck up because we aready know you are we do not need verfication.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at that moment they're not actually dying.

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado.

When I see a guy with hair on his back, I immediately relegate him to the animal kingdom.

I haven't eaten an ice cream sandwich in forty-seven years.

Next time you see Bing Crosby playing a priest in a movie, picture him beating his children in real life.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think a good title for a travel book would be "Doorway to Norway."

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me, it's just one big, all-around, everyday rage. I don't have time for fine distinctions. I'm busy screaming at people.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

mis·un·der·stand·ing [ mìss undr stánding ] (plural mis·un·der·stand·ings)
noun

1. lack of comprehension: a failure to understand or interpret something correctly


2. minor dispute: a minor disagreement or dispute



Thesaurus

misunderstanding (n)


mistake, mix-up, error, confusion, misinterpretation, misconstruction, misapprehension, miscalculation, false impression
quarrel, fight, argument, difference of opinion, disagreement, falling-out, squabble, dispute, rift, row Antonym: agreement

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

de·lete [ di lt ]
transitive verb (past de·let·ed, past participle de·let·ed, present participle de·let·ing, 3rd person present singular de·letes)

remove or erase: to remove or score out something that is printed or written, or erase something from a computer file or disk


noun (plural de·letes)

key for removal of data: a key on a computer keyboard that is depressed in order to erase or destroy files of previously keyed material Click on the icon for that file and then hit delete.

When i say delete i do not mean maybe i mean fucking do it not argue with me asking if i am sure. I was not sure i would not tell you to do it pea brain. "right click" does not mean double left click you big FUCK HEAD! arrrgh! today is my monday i have little or no patience today the same goes for at the end of my week which is saturday.




pa·tience [ páysh’ns ]
noun

1. capacity for waiting: the ability to endure waiting or delay without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties This job needs time and patience.


2. ability to tolerate trying circumstances: the ability to tolerate being hurt, provoked, or annoyed without complaint or loss of temper


3. U.K. card games See solitaire n.1


[12th century. Via French from Latin patientia , from patient- (see patient).]

com·pre·hen·sion [ kòpr hénsh’n ]
noun

1. understanding: the grasping of the meaning of something


2. intellectual ability: the ability to grasp the meaning of something It’s beyond my comprehension.


3. education set of questions on text: an exercise consisting of a set of questions on a short text, designed to test students’ understanding of it

Most of our customers have a problem understanding what we are talking about. When we ask what is happening when they try to connect. "I DON'T KNOW" They cannot comprehend what we are talking about mostly it is because it is a lack of common knowledge when it comes to computers. Most people have no clue when it comes to using one. If you want a computer you should atleast consider talking a class or two on basic computer skills. That would be helpful in the long run. You know the people who i am talking about. The kind who do not know how to turn it off in the first place.

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

HMMMM................ I see there is still some tinkering in order. I just noticed today that the place here i have the links are hard to see. i guess i will have to chance the color on them later on.

not much too add right now. did not spend much time on the computer today. add a guest book at the end of my page. that is all for now be back tomorrow when i get back to work.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs..

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

in the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?



You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two
days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Well my last day off. Tomorrow i will be a slave to the grind again. I am surfing the internet right now and it got me to thinking. The whole surfing bit sure did suck when i had dial-up. Now i have a cable modem and it is alot better. I remeber when a page was loading it took forever for it to finish and if you were downloading something.......well good luck with that. The people who call me up have dial-up, I sometimes ask them why don't they get dsl? COST TOO MUCH MONEY! Is the answer. Well you are paying for 2 phone lines right? Cut 1 phone line and pay an extra 10-15 dollars more and get dsl after you cancel your dial-up account makes sense does it not? They won't do it though. OH well.

HERE IS MY JOKE FOR TODAY.............


There's a traveling salesman driving one night in a horrible storm. His car breaks
down and he's out in the country. He walks to a house that didn't have any lights
on so he peaked in the window.

All of a sudden the woman wakes up and grabs her tit in one hand and the alarm
clock in the other and starts shaking them . A few seconds later her husband wakes
up and starts jacking off and pouring water on his head.

The salesman thought these people were crazy so he decided to find another house
to ask for help. When he arrived at the neighbors house, the salesman said "I'm sorry
to bother you, but I'm a traveling salesman, it's pouring down rain and my car broke
down. I stopped at your neighbors house but those people are crazy!"

" What do you mean?" the neighbor asked.

The salesman explained that he had peaked in the window and saw the woman wake
up, grab her tit in one hand and the alarm clock in the other and started shaking them,
and then her husband woke up and started jacking off and pouring water on his head.
"Those people are crazy!".

"No", the neighbor said, "they are both deaf and dumb."

"What do you mean?" the salesman asked.

The neighbor said, "She was telling her husband "get up it's time to milk the cows".
Her husband replied, "Fuck you, it's raining!"

it is 12:47 at night i am listening to a guy called bill engvall a comedian along the lines of jeff fox worthy. i laughed that hard i woke my wife up, i have head pnones on and i am laughing that hard i woke her up. not good. he is one funny mother fucker. if you ever get the chance listen to him he is good